天生女人難自棄 ──變性人鐘玲的故事

:::

2002 / 11月

文‧蔡文婷 圖‧林格立


今年四月,張大文小朋友的周歲生日當天,包括許多有線、無線電視台和各大報系都到場採訪,因為這是國內第一個變性人領養小孩成功的例子。原本是男兒身的張建志,藝名鐘玲,不但經由變性手術成為一個女性,更因領養而成為一位母親。曾經是他的她,半生的故事引人入勝,也讓人們深入變性者的內心世界。


民國五十四年底,嘉義水上鄉的空軍眷村裡,誕生了一個清秀的小男孩,對於第一胎就是男孩的夫妻而言,快樂無異是加倍的,他們將他取名為張建志。只是他們怎麼樣也沒想過,這個長子後來竟然會變成長女。

為什麼我是張建志?

由於父親是一位經常調遷的軍人,從小張建志跟著經營茶室的外婆生活,茶室小姐們經常會幫他化妝,在他眼前換衣服也十分坦然。「打從我有記憶以來,我就認為自己是一個女生。你知道嗎?從小到大,我都是坐著尿尿。為什麼?一個女生坐著尿尿,還要問為什麼嗎?」因為領養小孩而聲名大噪的鐘玲,不厭其煩地提醒媒體,她是一個女人;一個領有粉紅色、 2開頭身分證的女人。

一如所有性別認同障礙的孩子一般,從小張建志就經常拿媽媽或是茶室小姐的化妝品及內衣褲來穿著打扮。媽媽發現張建志的行為,氣得把他吊起來打,有時還把他綁在椅子上,用水管沖他。媽媽的強烈手段並沒有改變張建志的行為,反而讓他與母親越來越疏遠。

進入學校,隨著年級的升高,張建志的學生生活也越來越不順利。對於這樣一個舉手投足都十分「娘娘腔」的男生,男同學總是喜歡捉弄他,趁他睡午覺時,在他臉上塗墨汁,故意將小老鼠放在他的抽屜,看到他像女孩子一般尖叫時,同學們更是大樂。

娘娘腔的傾向,加上外婆開茶室,媽媽後來又經營賭場,更加使得張建志被排擠和嘲笑,於是他開始逃學,甚至逃家。小六的時候,他就曾一個人坐著火車,流浪到台北。並在國中二年級休學,進入社會討生活。

我不是同性戀

十四歲的張建志隻身到台北工作。進入歌仔戲天王楊麗花開設的餐廳當服務生。從小就嚮往炫麗舞臺生活的張建志,每每因為替明星們服務而心情激動。後來也因此結識了一位在電視台帶舞群的男舞蹈老師,進而發生情誼。

這時候,在嘉義的母親隱約感覺兒子和舞蹈老師的關係非比尋常,「媽媽以為我是一位同性戀,這也是我很痛苦的一點,和我愛戀的男人,帶著同性戀的眼光來對待我。我會喜歡男生,那是因為我根本認定自己是一個女生,我不是同性戀,」鐘玲表示。

被母親帶回嘉義的張建志,開始在嘉義地區西餐廳駐唱,成為當時年紀最輕的駐唱歌手。四年駐唱的時光是張建志生命中十分愉快的一段日子。然而,當他接到兵單,就知道又有苦頭吃了。

入伍第一天,馬上就面臨一個問題,那就是洗戰鬥澡。當大家都擠進大澡堂快速洗澡時,只有張建志和另一位自認是裝錯身體的同伴在外徘徊。當班長發現異狀時,質問他們倆為何不肯進去洗澡,「我們倆嘴裡不敢說,但是心裡想的是,我們為什麼要和一大堆男生一起洗澡?」鐘玲回憶,她也常戲稱自己應該是「中國第一個女兵」才對。分發到基地後,張建志還是受不了班長對他的「特別照顧」,作了逃兵,被判刑十個月,足足當了三年十個月的阿兵哥。

奇珍異獸

退伍後,在朋友的介紹下,張建志投入知名經紀人夜牧人旗下,加入台灣第一個反串表演團體。「能夠上台表演賺錢,又能名正言順地穿著女裝,我簡直是求之不得,」張建志於是改名鐘玲,開始反串表演,拿手歌是「夜來香」。

有一天,夜牧人建議鐘玲,先去整容做胸部,這樣更容易在秀場異軍突起。其實早在這之前,鐘玲就開始服用女性荷爾蒙,一如青春期的女孩子般期待自己的胸部會大起來,儘管效果有限,但僅是看到乳頭大了一點點,都讓他高興了好久。

做了隆乳手術後,夜牧人為鐘玲舉行盛大記者會,以「上空人妖秀」來號召觀眾。當警察以違背善良風俗加以取締時,夜牧人反駁,「難道男人露胸犯法嗎?台灣有哪一個男人不能坦胸露背?」遊走在法律邊緣的表演讓警察一點辦法也沒有。對於這樣的上空表演,或是日後參加綜藝節目錄影,當主持人或觀眾帶著戲謔嘲諷眼光開玩笑時,鐘玲的感受是:「沒辦法,秀場的競爭很激烈,沒有特色馬上就會被取代。而這也是我人生的過渡而已,等我準備好了,我就會離開。」

還有一次在地下酒廊陪酒時,被警察帶回警局。當警察看到眼前的美嬌娃竟然拿出男性身分證,隨之而來的是惡意屈辱,叫他站上警察局的辦公桌,全身脫光來「驗明正身」。每一次接受採訪時,鐘玲都一定會說到這段難以磨滅的傷害,他希望我們社會能夠對反串藝人或變性人有基本的尊重。

還我女兒身

離開夜牧人之後,鐘玲又到台北新興的第三性酒店坐檯。儘管沒有底薪,賺的是客人的小費,但鐘玲還是在一年中就存夠了第一個百萬,決定到泰國做變性手術。

「那時的我二十六歲,過去在似男似女之間徘徊夠久了,況且我下半身多出來的那一塊贅肉,真的讓我很不舒服,」儘管父母堅決反對,鐘玲依然在友人的陪伴下直奔泰國。

手術後,帶著尿袋與飽受折磨的身體回到嘉義,母親那一句「如果你做了,就不要給我回來,」的話還在耳邊,然而看著兒子虛弱的樣子,還是忍住氣來照顧「她」。

對於變性,鐘玲從來就沒有一絲絲的後悔。「過去人們不是常說嗎?要是穿了耳洞,下輩子就還會是女生。為此,我每一隻耳朵都穿了七八個耳洞,」鐘玲表示。

然而對張家二老,一時間要面對兒子變女兒的內在轉化,又要面對街坊鄰居的異樣眼光,張媽媽有一年時間,都避著左鄰右舍,在人少的時間出門。個性溫和的張爸爸反倒是無奈地接受了:「總不想失去了兒子,還又失去女兒吧。」只是,張家二老經常都還是習慣教她張建志,不習慣叫她張家菱。

進入她生命的「男人」

二十六歲,張建志終於圓了他這一生的美夢,變成女人。然而,社會大眾,多數仍然當他是一個變性人,而非女人。

流轉在酒店、牛肉場、電子琴花車、夜市等犧牲色相的行業中,她儘可能隱瞞她是變性人的身分,同時也結交了幾個男朋友,甚至也有論及婚嫁的。只是一想到對方知道她是變性人之後的錯愕與決裂,愛情總是沒有一個圓滿的結局。

然而,就在去年五月中,一個男孩子真正地進入她的心坎裡,那是一個還沒滿月的小娃娃。當時在月眉觀光糖廠與猛男、辣妹一起表演的鐘玲,接到媽媽的電話,說鄰居姚先生的女兒剛剛生下一個小男嬰,想把孩子交給鐘玲領養。

當鐘玲到醫院探視那個患有蠶豆症,又被吸毒媽媽遺棄的嬰孩,孩子一看到鐘玲就訴苦般嚎啕大哭,鐘玲摸著他細弱的小手,覺得這孩子是與她有緣的。

一個變性人要領養小孩,對孩子日後的成長會不會造成影響?變性人會不會把孩子也教成變性人?一時間各式的質疑排山倒海而來。然而,在鐘玲不惜公開身分大聲疾呼,而社工人員也在實際的家庭訪談中,做出評估,認為孩子留在鐘玲家中要比留在生父母身邊好。十一月下旬,歷經五個月的奮鬥,鐘玲終於抱著孩子到戶政事務所完成領養手續,給孩子取名張大文,成為一個母親。

一個家

現在的鐘玲,與朋友合夥開了一家酒吧,大文交由爺爺和奶奶扶養,而鐘玲只要睡醒了就會去媽媽家陪孩子玩,等到孩子睡午覺再離開。因為大文的出現,讓大半生都東飄西盪的鐘玲終於回家,不僅與父母建立起穩健的關係,還有一個屬於她的小家庭。

環顧這一個對變性人尚存在太多歧見與污名化的社會,鐘玲擔心大文懂事以後就要接受社會對他身世的一再評論,「如果上學以後,老師公開在課堂上討論他的領養過程怎麼辦?我希望有一天能帶他到日本去生活,」曾經在日本工作的鐘玲,覺得日本社會比較有禮貌而包容。

鐘玲同時表示,未來,如果孩子問起我為什麼要變性?他的親生父母是誰?我為什麼要領養他?我都將據實以告,不會有半點保留。如果他選擇回到親生父母身邊,我也不會有半點埋怨。

回首來時路,由張建志到鐘玲,由一個男人變成一個媽媽,儘管一路坎坷崎嶇,然而看著一歲半的大文慧黠機靈的模樣,抱著柔軟溫暖的孩子餵奶,鐘玲不禁喟歎:「我這一生還有什麼好抱怨的呢?」

相關文章

近期文章

EN

"Her" Story-- The Transsexual Chung Ling

Tsai Wen-ting /photos courtesy of Jimmy Lin /tr. by Jonathan Barnard

In April, when Chang Ta-wen turned one, journalists from major media outlets-newspapers as well as cable and free-to-air television stations-came for interviews. They were interested in the story because Chang was the first child to have been legally adopted by a transsexual in Taiwan. Chung Ling, the stage name of Chang's mother, was once a man named Chang Chien-chih. She became a woman through sex change operations and a mother through adoption. Her story-or what used to be his story-is an intriguing one that reveals a transsexual's feelings and state of mind.


Near the end of 1965, in an Air Force dependents' village in Shuishang, Chiayi County, a pretty baby was born. The parents were doubly happy because their first-born was a boy. They named him Chang Chien-chih. At the time, the farthest thing from their minds was that this eldest son of theirs would later become their eldest daughter.

Why am I Chang Chien-chih?

A military man, Chang's father moved around a lot, and so from a very young age Chang lived with his grandmother, who ran a tearoom-brothel. The girls in the tearoom often dolled him up with make-up and felt not the slightest embarrassment at changing clothes in front of him. "For as long as I remember, I have always thought of myself as a girl," Chang says. "Do you know what? I have always sat on the toilet to pee ever since I was small. You ask why? Girls just sit on the toilet to pee. There is no need to ask why." Having suddenly became famous because of the adoption, Chung Ling tirelessly reminds the media that she is, in fact, a woman-in possession of a pink ID card whose number starts with the number 2, just like any other woman in Taiwan.

Like most boys with gender identity disorders, Chang Chien-chih often played dress-up with his mother's (and in his case the tearoom girls') make-up and underwear. Upon catching him in the act, his mother would get so angry that she would hang him up by his collar and give him a good beating. Sometimes she would even tie him to a chair and squirt water on him with a hose. Yet these drastic punishments, rather than changing his behavior, only alienated him from her.

As he grew older, his life in school became more and more miserable. Because he was effeminate, the boys in school loved to make fun of him. They would paint his face with ink while he was napping, and they particularly enjoyed seeing him squeal like a girl when he would discover a mouse that they put in his drawer.

And because his grandmother ran a tearoom and his mother later ran a gambling hall, Chang Chien-chih was rejected and laughed at all the more. He started playing hooky, and sometimes even ran away from home. When he was in the sixth grade, he once got on the train alone and went to Taipei. In eighth grade, he dropped out of school and started to eke out a living for himself.

I am not gay

Fourteen-year-old Chang Chien-chih came to Taipei alone and waited tables in a restaurant owned by Yang Li-hua, a Taiwanese opera superstar. Longing for a dazzling life on stage ever since he was small, Chang was thrilled when he served stars. Frequently meeting show-biz types, he started shacking up with a man who choreographed dance routines for television shows.

His mother in Chiayi sensed that her son and this dance instructor were more than just friends. "Mother thought I was a gay," he recalls. "It was hard for me to bear, just as it was hard for the man I loved to look at me like I was a gay. I like men because I consider myself a woman. I am not gay."

Brought back to Chiayi by his mother, Chang Chien-chih started to sing in a western-style restaurant, becoming the youngest singer there. His four years there were a happy period in his life. But as soon as it came time to perform his military service, he knew that hard days had come again.

A problem arose on his first day in the army when it was time to take group showers. When everybody crowded into the big showers to wash themselves quickly, Chang and another guy who also thought of himself as a woman in a man's body lingered outside. Their drill sergeant questioned them as to why they wouldn't take a shower. "We didn't dare say, but what we were thinking was 'who wants to take a shower with a bunch of guys?'" Chung Ling recalls that she often joked that she should be called "the first GI Jane of China." When he was assigned to a post, Chang Chien-chih couldn't stand the demeaning way he was treated by his sergeant, and he deserted. He was caught and sentenced to ten months additional service. By the end, he had been a soldier for 46 months.

A rare and precious animal

After leaving the army, Chang received an introduction to join the first drag show in Taiwan, led by the famous agent Night Shepherd. "I was being offered an opportunity to make a living by performing on stage and given a justification for wearing women's clothes. It was more than I had ever even dared dream of." He changed his name from Chang Chien-chih to Chung Ling and started to perform in the drag show. Her signature song was "Tuberose."

One day, Night Shepherd suggested that it would be a good career move for Chung Ling to have breast implants. As it turned out, Chung Ling had long been taking female hormones. Like a girl in puberty, she had been eagerly waiting for her breasts to grow. Nothing much came from the hormone treatments, but for a time she was thrilled just to see a slight enlargement of her breasts.

After the breast implants, Night Shepherd held a big press conference for Chung Ling, offering the audience a "topless drag show." When the police came to break up the show for violating nudity provisions, Night Shepherd retorted, "Is a man baring his chest against the law? Which man in Taiwan is not allowed to bare his chest?" Walking the thin line between legality and illegality, the show left the police at their wit's end. With regard to her decision to perform in this kind of topless show and to go on TV variety shows where the hosts or audience would belittle her, Chung Ling says: "There's nothing I can do. The competition is fierce in show biz. If there's nothing special about you, you will be replaced in an instant. This is just a transition in my life. When I am ready, I will leave."

Once, she was arrested in an underground girlie bar while drinking with customers and was brought to the police station. When the police saw that this beautiful girl had a male ID, they maliciously humiliated her. They made her stand on a desk in the station and strip to prove that she was really the "he" in the ID. Chung Ling says the incident left permanent psychological scars. She wishes that our society would give drag queens or transsexuals the basic respect they deserve.

Give me back my female body

After leaving Night Shepherd's agency, Chung Ling went to work in one of the new "third sex" bars staffed by transvestites that were opening up in Taipei. Although the income there was entirely from tips, after a year Chung Ling had saved up NT$1 million, and she decided to go to Thailand for a sex change operation.

"I was 26 and had lived a life of not truly being a man or a woman for long enough. Besides, that extra piece of meat down there really made me feel uncomfortable." Although her parents were set against it, Chung Ling went to Thailand accompanied by a friend.

After the operation, she returned to Chiayi with a tube and bag that she urinated into, and a much-distressed body. Although her mother had said, "If you do it, don't bother to come back," when she saw how weak her "son" was, she came to take care of him.

Chung Ling has never regretted the operation. "Remember how people used to tell girls that if they pierced their ears, they would be born a girl again in their next lives?" says Chung. "Well, I have seven or eight holes pierced in each of my ears."

After her son suddenly became a daughter, for a whole year Mama Chang tried to avoid her neighbors' odd looks by only going out when there were few people on the streets. Mild-mannered Papa Chang, on the other hand, quickly resigned himself to the situation: "I had already lost a son, I didn't want to lose a daughter too." Chang's parents, out of old habit, still call her Chang Chien-chih instead of her new name Chang Chia-ling.

Men in her life

At the age of 26, Chang Chien-chih finally fulfilled his dream to become a woman. Most people, however, still see her as a transsexual instead of a woman.

Employed in the sex trade, working girlie bars or strip shows, she has tried not to let people know that she is a transsexual. She has had a few boyfriends, and the issue of marriage has come up upon occasion. But there was never a happy ending. The stunned men always broke up with her after learning that she was a transsexual.

But, last year in May, a boy truly entered her life and won her heart for good. He was a little baby not yet a month old. While doing a show at Yuehmei's Tourist Sugar Refinery with "Macho Man" and "Spice Girl," Chung Ling got a phone call from her mother, saying that the daughter of her neighbor Mr. Yao had just given birth to a baby boy and that he would like to let Chung Ling adopt the child.

Chung Ling went to the hospital to visit the baby, who suffered from a glucose deficiency and had been abandoned by his drug-abusing mother. The baby bawled as soon as he saw her, as if to convey his suffering. Caressing his tiny hands, Chung Ling felt that fate had brought them together.

Would having a transsexual as an adoptive parent have any effect on the kid while he was growing up? Would a kid brought up by a transsexual become a transsexual too? All of a sudden, Chung Ling was besieged by doubts from people all around her. But Chung Ling did not hesitate to let people know who she was, and she stood up to call for support. Social workers, after interviewing both families, made the assessment that the child would be better off with Chung Ling than with his biological parents. At the end of November, after five months' struggle, Chung Ling finally was able to take the baby to the local household registration office and complete the adoption procedure. She named the baby Chang Ta-wen and became a mother.

A home

Now, Chung Ling has partnered with friends to open a bar. Chung's parents are taking care of the baby, and she goes to her parents' house to play with him when she wakes up in the morning and leaves when he is taking a nap. Because of Ta-wen, Chung Ling, who has spent half of her lifetime wandering here and there, finally has a home. Now she has a solid relationship with her parents and a little family of her own.

Looking at a society where there are still entrenched prejudices against transsexuals, Chung Ling worries that when Ta-wen gets older he will have to face society's judgments about his background. "What if the teacher publicly discusses how he was adopted in the class when he is going to school? I hope to move to Japan with him one day." Chung Ling once worked in Japan, and she feels that Japanese society would be more polite and tolerant.

Chung Ling says that if the child asks her why she changed her sex or adopted him, or who his biological parents are, she will tell him the whole truth. She says that if the boy then decides to go back to his biological parents, she will wish him well.

Although she has had a tough life, when she gazes into the bright eyes of the one-and-half-year-old Ta-wen, holds his warm and soft body in her arms and feeds him milk, Chung Ling can't help but declare, "What is there to complain about?"

X 使用【台灣光華雜誌】APP!
更快速更方便!