My husband and I were university classmates. We got together when I was eighteen, but not until eight years later did we get married. I thought with the close relationship we had, with the same specialization and the same circle of friends, we would understand very well what the other thought and hoped. If we worked together in a business, it should work smoothly, too. But once I married into his family, I discovered the immense distance between reality and my imagination.

Up to me to match my husband:

When I first married, their family business had advanced to a certain level through the efforts of two generations, but just like any ordinary family business, they lacked modern systems. They would call upon someone from "within the family" to supervise everything both inside and out. I was obliged to carry out my responsibilities under this regime.

Although their financial condition was very solid, the boss's wife still had to work hard both mentally and physically. Nothing could be spared. For example, in order to reduce expenses, the company didn't employ any cleaning staff. Instead, the employees had to take turns tidying up. However, many employees refused to do things like cleaning the toilets. It was left to me alone to roll up my sleeves and do it.

My own family has never dealt with business. Before I got married, I only worked as an assistant lecturer at school. Although I performed very well at school, with such a limited work experience, I had to manage personnel and finance in a business outside my field. There was a period when employee turnover was very high. I panicked a lot, but I had no idea what the problems were. Further, accounting and tax reporting are both professional skills, entangled with a lot of miscellaneous details. The more anxiously I tried to master them, the more confused I became. One year while I was pregnant I was obliged to catch up with the end of March deadline for reporting taxes for six companies. I ran a lot of errands with the accounting books in my arms. I was so exhausted that I had a miscarriage after being pregnant five months. That kind of pain can never be erased until the end of my days.

I had to take care of everything. If anything happened at home, I would be "transferred" back there to take care of it at the drop of a hat. For example, if there were some relatives coming to visit at night, my mother-in-law would tell me to come back early to prepare for welcoming the guests. A boss wife is like a fire fighting squad; wherever there is a shortage of manpower, wherever there is a fire, she has to rush there. Day in and day out I was so busy that I didn't have any time left to be myself.

Now, I feel so stupid when I recall the whole thing. Why did I go all out like that? Why didn't I say, "Sorry, I've never learned this business. If you want me to do it, you'll have to let me go to class, and also I have to ask for your help and tolerance"? Why not just act normal and say, "No"?

I truly was foolish. Back then I was young and was never willing to admit defeat. At times, especially when there was an internecine power struggle within the family, my husband had to actively vie for position, and all I could do as his wife was to support him.

Also, the different brothers had their own opinions and did not live in harmony. When this happened it further affected the already strained relations between the various daughters-in-law within the family. There had already existed some disagreement between some members of the family. Their mentality was to wait to see a "good show." For example, when I just took over, there were some things I was not clear about, but when I asked family members, the answers I got were usually, "How would I know?" or "I don't remember!" They were happy to just stand by, waiting to see me make a fool of myself.

No comfort from my husband:

My responsibilities were great, as was the pressure, but I had not the slightest decision-making power for the business. I thought that because my husband was very powerful I didn't want to take on another powerful position. Although my personality was very strong, I always suppressed myself, asking myself to be a "person without a voice." I had to give all and could only take with silence whatever would be; I could never unburden my sufferings or complain.

In fact, I had no one to lend me a shoulder to cry on. All my family was abroad, and I had been with my husband ever since my freshman year of college. I had no time to make close friends. Furthermore, my college classmates were also my husband's. I didn't want any of them to hear my complaints, because they would necessarily involve my husband, as well. I felt as if I were mired down deep in the mud and had no way to pull myself out.

Under the circumstances, it would be reasonable that my husband would be my only refuge. But my husband resented me for not making good. Maybe both of us were anxious and were under great pressure. We never found ourselves in the mood to say something intimate, yet words of reproach easily slipped out of our mouths. Therefore, when I needed my husband's comfort and support the most, I could never get it.

Some calculating employees could tell that my husband wasn't completely in support of me. To my surprise, they conspired to make my standing worse. Sometimes in public with a lot of people around, my husband scolded me, and after he left the room the employees treated my with a cold, haughty air.

I labored in this kind of climate for three years. Every day I pushed myself to satisfy others. I was so sensitive that whenever one of my husband's elders wrinkled their eyebrows, I felt nervous. The one thing I wanted was to achieve my assigned tasks to perfection, in order to restore their confidence in me. Under all these various pressures, I completely broke down, suffering from neurosis and severe depression.

The sad part was that the elders didn't encourage me to cheer up after I collapsed. Instead, they treated me just like a broken tool that needed to be thrown out, taking over all my jobs in an instant. My existence didn't seem to matter.

Of course, they would say, "If you couldn't do it, why didn't you tell us?" or "It's you who strove to do the tasks; we didn't give you any pressure!" Maybe they are right. It's meaningless to argue the point now.

I was ill for three more years. Then I finally realized, "I have done my best. Maybe I failed because I wasn't competent enough, but I wasn't in the wrong. Why torture myself like this? . . . Even if I did something wrong, I didn't deserve this."

In addition, when I was out of the family business, it continued to have problems; it didn't take off flying without me. On the other hand, neither did it irreparably decline. It appeared that I was not as important as I had imagined myself to be. Why not relax?

After these notions occurred to me, I started getting better. After I recovered, I decided to take good care of myself and to have another baby. So, now I have a son who is eight years younger than his sister.

I'll never lose myself again:

When I gradually came out of the predicament, I started attending different philanthropic societies to be a voluntary worker and to make friends. I wanted to rebuild my social network and start all over again.

According to my husband's conception, however, women can only live under the protection of their husbands. "How can you pierce a hole and fly out from the net of protection?" What if wind and rain blow in through that hole? But I had been thinking, the family business tends to be very conservative, very closed. I would like to go into the outside world and carry back some new information; acting as a kind of ventilation duct should be good for the family.

It may sound reasonable, but it is hard to practice in real life. My husband doesn't allow me to make use of family relationships. Plus, I have to personally take care of the three meals at home every day. A nine-to-five job is hard to accommodate. Because of this, I currently have chosen to build a career of my own. I promote a nonprofit business association. Although my husband has never asked a thing about what I have been doing on the outside, if I have too many irons in the fire, he will be displeased. So, I try my best to get home before he does.

I have walked out of the family, but I have to take up the risk of losing my marriage. Now I would advise other boss wives never to lose yourselves just to win acceptance from others. The same goes for affection. Why strive to please your husband if you have to constantly make him food and follow him around 24 hours a day? It is meaningless to win over your husband, if you have to lose yourself.

I met my husband at the age of 18. Originally I hoped the two of us could fit together like a hand in a glove. Now I have come to the realization that I chose to marry him, not his family business. Furthermore, he has his own self; I should have mine. To discover my own self again is not egocentric or disloyal; it is something that I should do.

[Picture Caption]

p.55

The daughter-inlaw who serves in a big family business must resolve a large number of restrictions and pressures. How many of her tears have never seen the light of day? (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)