This type of parent controls the child under any situation, and they want them to invariably adhere to the "good" or "correct" value standards. They can be categorized as "authoritarian." Children under this educational attitude often lack self- confidence, and they are often confronted by the pressure of asking: "Is what I am doing (saying) right? Should I be doing it?" So they will likely be hesitant when making a decision.

"If you fall down, just get up again. What's the use of crying?"

"You're not behaving yourself again. Mama doesn't want you anymore"

This type of parent often uses a negative tone of voice with the child, and we call them "negative." Many times a thoughtless word from a parent will be very damaging to a child who takes everything seriously. Consequently the child will live with the fear of wondering "What does Mama (Daddy) really mean by that? Is it that they don't love me any more?"

"Mama, I got 100% on my math test today."

"Incredible! What next--the sun rising in the west? Or did you become a giraffe and look at somebody else's test paper?"

This is also a subtype of the negative parent, which might be called " sarcastic."

"My little angel, I work so hard, just to give you the chance to study and go to university, so in the future. . . ."

"Yao-tzu, the children of our family can't get behind at the start. If you're good, you must get better, are you aware of that?"

This is the "expectations" type of parent. They have expectations and will demand results. The former might be called the traditional "martyr" type, while the second is the ambitious modern parent. The traditional type looks forward to the children being able to look after them when they are old and to bring honor to the family. The modern type wants the children to be better than others at everything, whether it be succeeding to control of a large enterprise or realizing some ambition that the parent had but was unable to accomplish.

A child who grows up with strong expectations can easily suffer from the disappointment and pressure of, "Don't I have to keep striving for perfection? How else can I face my parents?" or "They're not satisfied no matter what I do. I'm not going to waste my time anymore."

"Mama, all my classmates have Nintendo"

"Is that so? Don't worry--Mama will buy you one tomorrow"

This type of parent is very afraid of hurting the child, and is even more afraid that they are not a good mother or father, so they become the " doting" type. In handling the child's demands they place the greatest importance on whether the child is in a good mood or a bad mood, not which demands are reasonable.

The child who is doted on is likely to have a great misconception: "I'm always right! I'm the king!" And he cannot wait, but wants immediate gratification. This type of child will steal things from a store, just because "I want it now." He/she can't even take the time to go home for the money to buy it. This type of mindset of "only respecting myself" often comes under criticism or punishment in school or in society at large, causing the child to struggle between conscience and desire. He will often throw tantrums, even for no apparent reason, scaring even himself. The child will often not dare to leave the house, being unwilling to face the outside world.

"Mama I'm sleepy. I've done so many math problems that I can't keep my eyes open."

"Okay, precious. Go to sleep, I'll do them for you."

This type of parent is similar to the "doting" parent, but also different. They think that there's too much crime, so they never let the child walk on the street alone. They take all the bones out of the fish before they let the child eat it. Or if the child can't do his or her schoolwork and is getting agitated, in the end the parents will handle it. We call this type of parent the "overprotective" type. Because this type of child has parents who will help him or her solve any problem, they grow up like a delicate flower in a hothouse--their tolerance for pressure or frustration is extremely low.

"Mama, Dad won't let me go to the movies with David Lee. He says I'm too small and it's too dangerous."

"That's your father for you. The theater isn't very far, so what's the risk? Take a few dollars and just be a little bit more careful, that's all."

The attitudes of the "dissonant" type of parents are not uniform. When the child can't get something from Dad (or Mom), they just find the other parent, cry a little, and it's theirs. This type will instill in the child the habits of finding the easy way out, or bending with the wind. But there will still be a sense of guilt, and a feeling of being unable to face the more strict of the two. Moreover, it is easy for this type of parents to disagree, and the child will feel pressure about, "Is it me causing Mom and Dad to argue?"

"Dad, look at this namecard! Doesn't it look like an egg? Both of them are white."

"This is not an egg, it is a namecard. A namecard has a name on it, so you can tell other people who you are. How could you get it mixed up with an egg?"

This type of "intellectual" parent seems to be increasing in modern society. They only are concerned about factual knowledge or theory, and often override the child's true feelings or imagination. The pressure this type puts on the child is a profound sense of alienation, like two parallel lines that never meet, never really making contact with the mind of the other.

Few parents willingly hurt their children. But many parents in daily conversation often unwittingly give the child unnecessary pressure or frustration. In that case, how can the parents help the child alleviate pressure?

First off, parents must clearly know what direction the child's education is going in, and also bring the child to understand. In terms of eating, the parents want the child to eat a great deal, and to eat fast, so spoon-feeding them is naturally the quickest and most convenient way. But in my view I want the child to grow up independent, and able to take care of herself, and also to learn to cooperate with others, so I encourage the children to eat by themselves, and it doesn't matter if they drop food all over the floor. This is because everything must have a beginning: This time drop ten kernels, next time drop two less, and that's progress worth encouraging. The child will gain confidence and keep trying.

Of course, when the child is just starting to eat without help, he (or she) can't help but rebel, and suspect, "Why is it Granny is willing to feed me but you're not?" At this time you can explain to the child: "Granny thinks that the most important thing is for you to eat your fill, but Mommy thinks it is even more important for you to learn to take care of yourself." Three-or-four-yea-old children are able to think logically. If you communicate with them as an equal individual, they can accept and understand that, and that can help dissipate un necessary doubts the child may have (doesn't Mom my love me as much?).

In the second place, when the child needs you, you have to invest the effort to care about him or her, and cultivate a positive, assertive attitude in the child. For example, the child says, "Mama, math is so hard. I never get good marks." If Mom simply says, "It doesn't matter if you don't do well on the tests, just try harder next time," the child will feel non-plussed: How can it not matter if you do badly on the tests? The whole world is making fun of me!

At this time, what the parents should do--besides comforting the child --is to take out the test paper and look it over together, and increase the time you spend studying with the child. But you can't just sit there watching TV dramas and tell the child to go off and study.

In order to be a good parent, it is absolutely unavoidable to spend a great deal of time and effort on the child. Thus, the principle of "not losing oneself in one's job" is very important. Parents who are very success-oriented, who have many career goals they want to reach. and who are busy and stressed every day will not have the strength to listen to a child's kind of talk, and will be unable to raise a child who is tolerant and steady in the face of trouble. If the parents are unable to escape from the pressures of toil and trouble, how can they help the child?