Speaking up for mom
Older women approach divorce with a different set of bargaining chips. Typically, successful career women can take a more resolute stance, but even they, like the others, can’t escape the emotional, lifestyle, and financial entanglements that it brings.
When 57-year-old Wu Shuzi retired early from her job as a university librarian, with her steady pension and three responsible children, she appeared at a casual glance to be on the cusp of a tranquil final chapter of her life spent in the company of her longtime husband.
“In truth, even prior to retirement I had already mapped out a timeline for exiting my marriage, which had been cold and inhospitable for years. I made my youngest son’s college graduation the deadline. I began to distance myself emotionally and to prepare for life alone. I also started saving money regularly.” However, an intense domestic conflict precipitated her move three years ago, and she began the life of a de facto divorcee.
Now separated from her husband, Wu has lived frugally in a rented apartment. She has published two novels that explored gender consciousness, and traveled around from city to city conducting writing workshops. She also has continued to participate in self-help programs to heal her emotional scars and to discover her future path.
As the deputy director of the Warm Life Association for Women, Shen Shujuan has considerable experience as a provider of marital and legal counsel. By her count, in recent years 20% of all of the women they help are past age 51. Even more arresting is the fact that “more and more often it is the adult children of these women who will call us on their mother’s behalf or encourage their mother to get in contact with us!”
Sixty-seven-year-old Cai Meifang separated from her husband 30 years ago on account of his infidelity. Her husband cut her off financially after their split, and, without the advantage of a higher education, she toiled as a domestic servant to provide for her two sons. She also volunteered at women’s organizations. Though her life continually improved following the separation, she never accepted her husband’s proposals that they divorce. “I wasn’t interested in remarrying, so whether I divorced or not at that point was irrelevant. My primary concern was to take care myself.”
But the attitudes of her two grown sons were in stark contrast with her own passivity. They repeatedly pressured her to go through the divorce and secure ownership of the house—Cai had paid off the mortgage herself, yet the deed was in her husband’s name. At the close of last year, her younger son and a notary friend stood as witnesses as she finally divorced her husband, whom she had not seen in years. She recalls: “The day we signed the divorce papers, I said to him, ‘Can I have a hug? Thank you for giving me two precious sons.’” He thanked her for going through with it, and said, “You’re always welcome at family gatherings.” Those words allowed her a glimpse of her ex-husband’s remorse, dissolving the tension that had built over the years.
Learning to be a compassionate individual is the work of a lifetime.