Darling, I am growing old,

Silver threads among the gold,

Shine upon my brow today,

Life is fading fast away;

But, my darling, you will be,

Always young and fair to me;

Yes! my darling you will be,

Always young and fair to me.

Darling I am growing old,

Silver threads among the gold.

Shine upon my brow today,

Life is fading fast away.

"May you grow old together" is a traditional good-luck wish for newlyweds. However, according to historians, the chances of that wish coming true were mighty slim in days past. Life expectancy in the Chou dynasty 2,600 years ago was eighteen. In the Han it was a mere 22, and even as late as 260 years ago, in the Ching dynasty, it was only 28.

Today reaching the golden years is common, and the meaning of growing old together is deeper: it now refers to "December" romances, either by single people seeking new love or in long-married couples stirring up new flames.

In 1966, the great scholar Chien Pin-suh, then 61, married Hu Mei-chi, a former student in his academy. In recent years Chien has faced problems of failing eyesight and ill health, but through it all his wife has stood by him. She read him his reports, corrected his drafts, and nursed him. Two years ago he was confined to bed, but was still able and willing to work. Hu Mei-chi resigned her position in the history department of the Chinese Cultural University to devote her time to working with her husband. Friends and colleagues, they are examples of enduring love.

Hsu Kuo-chiang left his Szechuan home at thirteen, and spent half a century serving at the level of a common soldier. Five years ago he entered a veterans' home, accustomed to life alone. But seeing the plight of a sick and lonely old friend gave him the desire to seek out an "old companion." Two years ago he was formally married to Hsu Wang-shih. The couple, whose combined ages add up to nearly a century and a half, now are raising four "children"--four rabbits.

Love stories only talk about the entangling of two hearts--they rarely get to enduring affection between husband and wife. And when the handsome young man takes his beautiful bride, little do they think of how life together will be when both are gray, wrinkled, and less active.

But for modern people, this kind of situation is nearly unavoidable. Owing to medical, nutritional, and public hygiene breakthroughs, getting to old age is no longer the hard part.

Last year, average life expectancy in the Taiwan area reached 73.1 years. Among the 3.2 million people above fifty years of age on Taiwan and the Fukien islands last year, 26 percent were spouseless. Of the total, 8.3 percent were widowers and 26.8 percent were widows, reflecting the longer life expectancy for women and the fact that men are usually older at the time of marriage.

For society to support increasing numbers of the elderly is a new experience. And scholars and experts are concerned about issues from social security policy to medical facilities to entertainment for the aged. But few pay attention to the problems of marriage and emotions among senior citizens. These problems are left to the elderly themselves, notes Tunghai University's Chien Chun-an.

But the problem deserves attention from all because of today's changing family structure. In the traditional Chinese family authority and economic power were determined by seniority; the children could only obey and respect their parents, and support them in their old age.

In the wake of industrial development, with many young people leaving their homes, Taiwan society has gradually moved toward the nuclear family. Although many elderly still live with their children, they no longer manage household affairs. In the future it is likely that more and more elderly will not have a chance to live with their children. At that time the focus of elderly life will change from intergenerational relations to the parallel growth of husband and wife, notes Hsu Li-chun, former lecturer in sociology at Fu-jen University. At that time a full and stable emotional life will be central to the psychological health of senior citizens.

Late middle age is a crucial turning point. By then most married couples have passed through the various crises of adapting, sex, having the first child, and menopause. But when the children leave home, it is hard for parents not to feel abandoned or lonely. How then can they get by?

"I felt useless," recalls 68-year-old Chen Mi-hsiang of her difficult fifty-second year. "My oldest son was in America, my only daughter was married, my youngest son was in Tainan at the university, and my husband was busy at the factory. . . . It seemed that my whole life's work was in the past. . . ."

But after a year of moping, Chen realized that she still had many good years left. After talking things over with her husband they made four "five-year plans" to study t'ai chi ch'uan, work on their Japanese, participate in charity activities, and more. "It was only after this that I discovered that being older is not bad, and that you can still do a lot of things," she says with a big smile.

A study done in the U.S. showed that husband-wife relations are even more harmonious after the children leave home. While no similar study has been done in China, many people have that same opinion. "It's like being young and in love again," says a slightly embarrassed Hsiao Min, married forty years.

But what of those elderly--widowed or never married--who have no one?

One widowed man lamented, "The children all have their own families, and there's not even anyone to talk to. My son took me to live with him, but young people have their own world and I couldn't fit in. I still felt isolated."

Widowed elderly who wish to remarry face family and cultural obstacles. In 1974, Professor Liang Shih-chiu's first wife passed away, moving him to write a book in memory of their more than fifty years together. The next year Liang announced that he would remarry. Many expressed disapproval, since in the Chinese tradition it is frowned upon to quickly remarry following the death of a spouse. Happily, the new couple have since passed ten-plus years together in writing, painting, and raising cats.

In fact, the traditional view is changing rapidly. Because of the rapidly growing number of elderly (up from some 600,000 in 1976 to over one million in 1986), and the rising divorce rate (up from one divorce per fifteen marriages in 1976 to one per eight in 1986), increasingly open attitudes in society toward marriage, the emotional life of the elderly has also become of greater concern.

In a marked contrast with the past, the elderly now have many avenues for seeking second marriages including introductions, participating in group trips or charitable or religious activities, or moving into nursing homes.

One problem is how to make second marriages last. Sixty-nine-year-old P'an San-yuan, widowed for over twenty years, suggests avoiding comparing the first spouse with the second. "How can you compare? Marriage is through a matchmaker or the result of great love when you are young, and you raise the children or build a business together; now it is for mutual reliance and to peacefully pass the later years. The meaning is completely different."

The coming of illness is a crisis for all older married couples, and a turning point of deepening emotion. When one partner is sick, the other has no choice but to look after him or her. The constant vigilance can really put someone on edge.

"When he had just gotten sick, and I stood by his bed thinking back on his past vigor and vitality, it was quite painful," says Yuan Chih-chuang, who has taken care of her ill husband for one third of their 44 years together. For her this was a way to return his thirty years of love. Her friends say that her husband "is really lucky, his wife is really wise and virtuous."

It is also necessary to have time to adapt. Chung Ssu-chia, Professor of Psychology at Chengchi University, says that "a lack of time is a marriage's biggest enemy." This may well be true of the busy young couple, but one person married for more than forty years notes that "now the problem is that we spend too much time together."

But, in fact, as people arrange their lives, visiting friends, getting together with children, or taking trips, their unfamiliarity will ease and they can enjoy the golden years together.

Another problem is money. If the attitudes of the two partners are not the same in this matter, it can cause endless disputes, especially since fixed incomes are reduced. Chien Chun-an often saw this kind of problem in her years as an advisor at an emergency help phone line in Taichung. She usually suggests that, though financial help from children is a good thing, it is best for the elderly to have their own resources. This will ease the worries of old age.

Aging, illness, and death are unavoidable. But today's people are fortunate, for after their years of hard work, they can still have time to do things together.

The setting sun has great beauty--who fears the coming of dusk?

[Picture Caption]

Married now for nearly forty years, they were rarely together when he was a sailor; now that they can look after each other in their old age, they're happy as clams.

A widow for over twenty years, P'an San-yuan married Liu T'ien-en when she was 69. She doesn't believe in comparing her first and second husbands-that way her "second spring" can be a real one.

Going back to class gives the elderly a chance to make new friends and broaden their horizons. (Sinorama files)

It's during times of illness and pain that the elderly feel the need for care and companionship most.

Peace and happiness in one's old age is a universally coveted blessing.

Married now for nearly forty years, they were rarely together when he was a sailor; now that they can look after each other in their old age, they're happy as clams.

A widow for over twenty years, P'an San-yuan married Liu T'ien-en when she was 69. She doesn't believe in comparing her first and second husbands-that way her "second spring" can be a real one.

Going back to class gives the elderly a chance to make new friends and broaden their horizons. （Sinorama files）

It's during times of illness and pain that the elderly feel the need for care and companionship most.

Peace and happiness in one's old age is a universally coveted blessing.