Honesty is the best policy
In parallel fashion to the "learning organization" and "multitasking" common to contemporary corporate life, modern marriages also require the husband and wife and even the children to have strong problem solving capability and the ability to act independently, in order to do role substitution or provide support at a moment's notice.
Especially interesting is the place of feminist consciousness, long considered the "main culprit" in today's divorce tide, in the new marriage system. If this consciousness is applied intelligently, it can be very effective within the structure of pluralized marriage values.
Luo Chiung-yu, director of the Warm Life Association, a support group for women, whose mother "prophesied" that her marriage would never last because she didn't know her way around a kitchen and had little interest in traditional female virtues, is a case in point.
Luo's husband was recently transferred to Shanghai. Well aware of the frequency with which Taiwan businessmen there have extramarital affairs, she organized sisters from the Warm Life Association to form a "mainland research team." In the spirit of "know yourself, know your enemy," they hope to better understand marriage laws in mainland China, the situation of support groups for women there, and the structure and culture of the Taiwan business community in the PRC. However, Luo is not considering accompanying her husband to mainland China.
"What would I do in mainland China?" she says, adding bluntly: "If my marriage would require me to give up my career, my lifestyle, and even my future, then why would I want to be in a marriage like that?"
Luo feels that in a high-tech age, a couple separated by their careers can stay in contact by email and videocon-ferencing, in order to reduce the sense of separation and distance. So long as there's no sharp break in the feelings between husband and wife, then the risk of extramarital affairs can be kept to a minimum.
Of course, not all problems are subject to rational control. She has accepted her husband's statement that he "could not guarantee that he would not have an affair," with the corollary of "absolutely no deception." In addition, Luo and her husband have encouraged each other to make the most of their time apart and to live well, in preparation for even better days together to come.
"Many things in the objective environment are beyond our control. Rather than complain and accuse one another, it is better to communicate and adjust," says Luo. Modern women are educated and self-supporting. A lot of things just depend on how you look at them, and there is nothing that you can't get through.
Give me liberty or give me death
Of course, feminist consciousness is a two-edged sword. It can be a powerful force in supporting pluralized concepts of marriage, but it can also destabilize a marriage.
"Some women, before getting married, think: 'give me love or give me death.' In order to keep the affection of their boyfriend, they act childish and obedient. But after marriage when they come across practical problems, they are transformed and feel 'give me my self, or give me death,'" sighs writer Annie Chen, who has written a set of marriage counseling books. Half-way feminism can actually hasten the disintegration of a marriage. You can get a glimpse of this from the increasing number of divorces initiated by the wife.
Luo Chiung-yu deeply understands this point. She points out that in the past most people had the impression that the Warm Life Association was a group of women complaining to each other about their husbands' extramarital affairs. But the latest figures indicate that only about 30% of Warm Life members who have sought marital help have done so because of unfaithful spouses. While this is still the number one cause, as a percentage of the total it has already fallen significantly.
Besides infidelity, the next most common reasons are "incompatibility" and "inability to communicate." These are problems that are highly personalized and emotional. Like the Meryl Streep character in the film Kramer vs. Kramer, many women have already given up on their marriage to an extent no less than if their partner was having an affair.
Women themselves have questions about the "rights and responsibilities" they should enjoy and bear in a marriage, and most men are reluctant to adapt. Peng Huai-chen is quite concerned about this point.
Peng points out that pluralized marriage values emphasize that marriage is a dynamic system. It is very important to clarify what role one should play at what time. Laughing, he offers the following example: Every time his wife plays mahjong with the in-laws, he takes the initiative to make the tea so that everything goes smoothly and everybody stays happy.
"But modern husbands and wives both put their faith in individualism, and emphasize the self," sighs Peng. Especially in small families, when children have few brothers or sisters, they not only grow up insensitive to interpersonal relations, but have even less exposure to compromise and cooperation. This is why group education in schools is exceptionally important.
The 70% solution
Interestingly, author Annie Chen, also coming at the subject from the "pluralized marriage" angle, concludes that there is generally little to be gained by divorce. She says that only if one sticks to promises can one build a marriage with a stable foundation.
"There's no marriage in the world that you can ever completely leave!" In her book series "The Immunology of Divorce," Chen says that making the legal break does not mean that all emotional or familial attachments cease. Many unhappy partners, after finally getting the divorce they wanted, only then discover that divorce is not the end of their troubles, but in fact the beginning of even more problems.
Taking the "stress index" commonly used in psychology, Chen says that among the top 20 sources of stress, 13 are related to married life. Of these, the top three are the death of a partner, divorce, and separation. Arguments between husband and wife, on the other hand, rank only 19th. Also, whereas the recovery period for the loss of a spouse is three years, full emotional recovery from a divorce can take as much as ten years!
"People in society do not understand the costs of divorce," says Chen. Reading about scandals and breakups among celebrities every day in the media, many people get the erroneous impression that divorce is something fashionable, even an essential part of an interesting and colorful life. They imagine that after divorce a man will be surrounded by beautiful women, while a divorced wife will be free to travel to some romantic location, and both will enjoy a new lease on life.
"Rampantly infected by 'the aesthetics of separation,' many people simply cannot think clearly, and before they have even really made a serious effort, they give up on their marriages, in the end suffering even greater regret and pain," says Chen. Marriage is not all or nothing, but is the art of compromise.
In recent years, Chen has been strongly promoting the idea of the "70% perfect marriage." She doesn't want people to return to the traditional mind-set of "fate." People have to learn how to see the world as it really is, and try to find the joy in an imperfect world.
Emotional career planning
Faced with the chaotic marriage situation, sociologist James C.T. Hsueh advises men and women that they should manage their marriages with the new concept of the "emotional career." "Nobody takes their career lightly, so why shouldn't they devote the same attention to their marriage?"
Hsueh thinks that people should apply the spirit of "career commitment" to marriage, from carefully selecting a mate to maintaining communication and passion between the partners, compromising with and supporting one another, and learning new skills. If people would only give half as much attention to their marriages as they do to their careers, a lot of breakups could be avoided.
Hsueh meanwhile offers a different take on the rising divorce rate in Taiwan, and is cautiously optimistic about the future.
He points out that the first year which showed a marked rise in the divorce rate, 1996, was the first year after revisions regarding child custody in the Civil Code went into effect. The new provisions meant that after divorce children would not always go with the father, as had previously been the case, and also included stipulations for no-fault divorce and for allowing children to take their mother's family name. Many women who had long been dissatisfied with their marriages but didn't want to part from their children consequently made the choice in 1996 to take the kids and walk out. These new laws have contributed to the increase in the number of divorces, with one side effect being that the average age of women getting divorced is higher in Taiwan than in other countries.
In other words, the rise in the divorce rate at present is a kind of "stock clearance," says Hsueh. This won't last long, probably no more than five years, at which point the divorce rate will have peaked and will no longer climb.
However, it may soon become easier for men to file for divorce as well. Proposed legislation, which passed a preliminary reading in the legislature in June, says that a petition for divorce can be filed if the husband and wife have been living apart for more than three years. Overseas, this provision was meant to protect the rights of women whose husbands had abandoned the family. But for many Chinese, for whom problems of living apart and extramarital affairs are common, this could force many older wives who have for years been putting up with a bad situation to accept divorce. Feminist groups displeased with this form of "stock clearance" are likely to fight the bill.
Courageously facing marriage
As a sociologist well aware of the rising divorce rate and the unwillingness of young people to even get hitched because they have seen too many unhappy couples, Hsueh gives some practical advice. While people should make as serious a commitment to marriage as they do to a career, as in a career one can change course or start again. When a marriage really cannot be xxxxsustained, divorce should be a socially acceptable alternative, and does not symbolize personal failure or moral bankruptcy.
"While an 'emotional career' needs to be managed carefully, in fact terminating an 'emotional career' requires even more judiciousness to avoid making a failure out of one's entire life." He says that he has seen too many cases of husbands and wives continuing the struggle even after divorce-fighting over homes, property, and children. This "revenge mindset" brings out the worst in people, and causes greater destruction to one's humanity than any other aspect of the marriage system.
In an age of change, more choices means more challenges. No matter whether you are inside or outside the fortress besieged, are you ready to face them?