First of all, father became much more clearheaded and even his extra workload could not ruffle his calm tranquility. Then there was mother, who became even more concerned about people, often asking my younger brother's fellow students to come over and eat. My elder brothers also gradually grew less vain as they turned to the pursuit of real inner worth.

In relationship to the affairs of life: What impressed me most deeply at that time was the other follower we got to know. Self-possessed and clear, wise and benevolent, people would praise them with awe and admiration. I wrote in my diary: "I have seen a very high kind of life--without hang ups and worries. Such perfect self possession. I hope I can become like that!" I thought this must be the most important thing in relationship to the affairs of life.

But my real desire to properly go in for meditation arose during this holiday. After graduation from high school, I went to university in America. This was my first taste of an independent, free life and I felt very excited at having broken the apron strings. Coming back to Taiwan for the holidays, I felt a bit strange about the two words "self-cultivation." Whenever my family picked up on my defects or tried to limit my activities, I resisted and had little patience. They wanted me to stay at home and study, to cultivate myself, but this was certainly not what I had in mind.

On one occasion I went to visit some Chan masters. As I listened to them talk about the Buddhist Law and Chan theory, myself doubts began to grow. Over the years since I had come into contact with Chan, my whole being had come to understand its power; but what was I doing myself? In the end, did I really know how to honestly face up to my own life?

This was a time of deep reflection. When I looked at things in worldly terms, it seemed that I lacked nothing. From a happy home, I had no problems with my studies, and in appearance and ability I was no worse off than most other people. It seemed that my future was clear cut--start a career, get married and have children and pass what would be considered to be a perfect and happy life. But it seemed that this was just not enough. I knew that people could go beyond this, could improve their wisdom and ability and go on to help others.

What is self-cultivation? In fact, only I knew clearly, at the bottom of my heart, that I still had a lot of impurities, bad habits and ignorance. Where then was my so-called perfection!

Amongst these confused thoughts, I discovered that I was far from wise but was extremely confused, which made me very unhappy. One morning I telephoned Chan teacher Hung Chi-sung to ask him about these feelings.

Hung said, "Did I hear you right? You are very clear that you are not clear?" I answered in the affirmative and he replied, "Then you are very clear! You know you are not perfect, that is the beginning of self-cultivation."

Thinking back to my experiences of Chan two years ago, I then also felt that I was no use. The method I was given by the teacher was very simple: just sit there and count to ten, not thinking of anything else. What then is not being able to do things? One moment thinking of one thing, the next thinking of another, in the next instant falling asleep, chaotically not knowing what you are doing. Most days you think you are really great, but in the Chan hall you know that you are just a confused person without self-control.

Now I practice Chan self-cultivation in my everyday life without any self-pity; first I look at my reactions to things, then I trace back those reactions to their true roots. Often what I see is not so high and perfect but rather an inability to escape greed, anger, ignorance, sloth, suspicion and wicked views. When I see this, I am very angry with myself and, after feeling shame, I repent.

Beginning to catch mice: when taking part in Chan self-cultivation at weekends, I use the above method to catch hold of some of my own mistakes. When I had just begun going there, a number of friendly people wanted to "promote" Chan to me. Originally I was rather arrogant, feeling that I had seen and heard more about Chan than them and could not be assisted. But what did I really understand? Knowledge and experience have no relation to Chan, and no relation to self-cultivation. So what was I being so arrogant about? As soon as I thought of this, I was deflated and began to respectfully listen, my heart full of gratitude. Throughout the entire session I concentrated on my thoughts and feelings. Was I hungering after food or sleep? Was I being aloof? Was I judging people...? I just concentrated like this for one-and-a-half days and became very tired. It was just like catching mice, waiting with determination by the hole so that as soon as a thought raised its head I could quickly reach out and catch it. As soon as the cat loses its concentration, however, the mouse will escape from its hole and be free to run all over the place.

It was only in this way that I came to know I had so many problems. It was difficult to have even one minute without confused thoughts! This was especially so when I was getting tired and the "mouse" would rush to my head and I would have no way to control it. For a while I became tense, ashamed and repentant, in a panic that I felt would never pass.

Later on I went to Nung Chan Temple to visit the Venerable Chang Sheng-yen, who told me, "It is right that you should feel ashamed and repentant when just beginning. As you go on you will feel you can regulate your thoughts and feelings and can attain peace of heart. Self-cultivation is supposed to stop your mind being troubled. You cannot become more troubled with more self-cultivation!"

Right, I thought, I should go back and try harder!

Faith, will and action: During this vacation in Taiwan I feel that I have really passed a turning point in my life. Looking back, only now can I discover how fortunate I am in having come from such a wholesome and proper environment--and what a help it has been to have so many people at my side practicing self-cultivation!

Now I want to sincerely promise that my actions will come from myself and that I will dedicate myself to self-cultivation; I hope in future I can be as clearly in possession of myself as those who practice self-cultivation in the generation above me, using wisdom and mercy to help even more people to realize and go down life's road of perfection and beauty.

[Picture Caption]

The Chan master says self-cultivation will stop mental confusion--the more you meditate, the clearer you become.

Recovering your self through Chan enables a clear view of life's direction.

The Chan master says self-cultivation will stop mental confusion--the more you meditate, the clearer you become.

Recovering your self through Chan enables a clear view of life's direction.