"If you've never been loved before, then you ought to understand how bad it feels, and reach out to love others who feel that same pain. If you've always been loved, then you should understand how beautiful it is, and share some of that love with others."

This is the philosophy of one woman who serves as a foster mother. To love a child who has suffered severe trauma, however, is no easy matter. Love alone is not enough; you also need patience and know-how.

To place a child in foster care, a bureau of social affairs contacts private social service agencies and asks for a foster family to be arranged. If a family cannot be found, the bureau must take the less desirable option of placing the child in a public or private institution.

No matter who takes the child in, however, problems and constraints are unavoidable.

Where is home?

The problem with an institution is the highly structured group living situation, which lacks the warmth of a family. It is difficult for anyone to adjust to such conditions, and especially so for a child dealing with the pain of physical and psychological abuse.

"A family situation is always best," says Kuo Kuang-hui, who runs an institutional foster care facility. "No matter how good an institution is, the child still doesn't have parents."

World Vision of Taiwan (WVT) has arranged foster care on behalf of the Taipei City Government's Bureau of Social Affairs for more than seven years. It now has 75 children living with 65 foster families.

WVT only accepts foster families who meet certain conditions, says Lily Su, WVT's manager of foster care service. The parents must have been married for at least two years; at least one of the foster parents must be between the ages of 30 and 55; they must have at least a junior high school education; all members of the family must be willing to accept a foster child; all family members must be free of infectious diseases; the family must have a steady income; the home must be safe and clean; etc.

A foster parent's predicament

In addition to these prerequisites, the foster parents must take a preparatory course, then they must attend ongoing training sessions after the child has been taken in. According to Ms. Su, the preparatory classes are taught by social workers from WVT, while experienced foster parents share experiences and discuss problems. Ongoing training involves lectures and support groups. All foster parents, both fathers and mothers, must attend the preparatory classes, while attendance at the ongoing training sessions is voluntary.

All foster parents receive basic training and understand that abused children are different from other children. Nevertheless, as one foster mother put it, "Until you've actually been through it, you just can't imagine how tough it is." For most prospective foster parents, the task that lies ahead will be more difficult than expected.

Even for Mr. and Mrs. Chang Erh-lien, who had run a nursery for nearly 30 years and considered themselves very knowledgeable about preschool children, the reality of foster parenting was far different from what they had been anticipating. Says Mr. Chang, "These children are really very different from most kids." The first child they accepted, aged two years and nine months, displayed severe developmental regression, and was completely unable to control his bowel or bladder movements.

Mr. Chang confides that a long series of frustrations had them on the verge of giving up more than once. Says Mrs. Chang, "The child would cry and throw temper tantrums, and there was no understanding why. We didn't know how to handle him." She has to fight back tears as she recalls the experience.

Foster mother Li Yu-yun recounts what happened after her family took in a boy named Hsiao-li. The boy had already been placed by WVT in five or six other foster homes, but each family had sent the child back. He was prone to violence and cursing. "Within three days, Hsiao-li had beaten on every one of us."

The five-year-old Hsiao-li was extremely insecure, and once asked Mrs. Li, "Mama, am I really bad? Why else would nobody want me?" And on another occasion: "Don't send me back! I want to stay in your home for a long, long time!"

It is not unusual for a child to be passed from home to home just as Hsiao-li was. According to a survey carried out by Yu Han-yi, about 30% of all foster families end up sending their foster children back where they came from. To be rejected by adults time and time again only rubs salt into the gaping wounds of these abused children.

Healing

The acceptance and love of a foster family gives children from abusive backgrounds the chance to experience a warm family atmosphere. That by itself is not enough, however. If the psychological wounds caused by abuse are to heal, these children must receive professional help.

Children's counselor Huang Su-chuan points out that children from abusive families usually display abnormal behavior and have difficulty adapting to new situations. Even when they are placed with foster families, these children still suffer from psychological problems.

In 1997, the child psychiatry ward of the Taipei Psychiatric Center established a special department for abused children. This department has treated 150 persons to date.

Lin Liang-yin, director of the child psychiatry ward, lists a number of problems that abused children often display-extreme diffidence, aggressive behavior, a withdrawn attitude, unwillingness to cooperate, impulsiveness, difficulty in personal relationships, etc.

Victims of sexual abuse show the worst symptoms. Chi Hui-jung, executive director of the Garden of Hope Foundation, states that these children have difficult relationships with the opposite sex when they grow older. A sense of betrayal leads to an angry and antisocial personality. Violation of personal space and a sense of shame cause self-hatred. A sense of powerlessness destroys confidence and makes children feel that they are not capable of achieving anything.

For young children, who are not very good at expressing themselves verbally, play is a common method of psychotherapy. By playing and engaging in role-playing activities, children are able to see, do, and experience new things and develop a new sense of self.

"Eat till you're good and full!"

A little girl once pretended during play therapy to be her mother, while her counselor, Huang Su-chuan, played the part of the girl. Says Ms. Huang, "She ordered me to be obedient, told me not to talk back, and she hit me (an effigy of me) really hard with a rod." It became clear during the course of play how her mother had treated her.

A girl who had once gone hungry after being abandoned cooked all sorts of dishes for her counselor during play and said, "I want you to eat till you're good and full!"

There was a young boy who always insisted on drawing a picture as soon as he entered the play room. Sometimes it would have lightning, sometimes a bad guy. Rather than take the drawing home, he would always give it to the counselor.

"The younger the child," says Lin Liang-yin, "the more flexible they are." Psychological and physical trauma are similar in this respect. The earlier the problem is treated, the easier it is to treat. If a child reaches his teens before a psychological problem is treated, the chances are very slim that any good can be done.

Moreover, if a child's psychological wounds are not treated soon enough, not only will they continue to plague the person throughout his life, but the problem is also likely be passed on to the next generation.

According to Lin Liang-yin, abused children who do not receive proper counseling are at high risk of developing mental illnesses later in life. Furthermore, studies done abroad indicate that a high percentage of abused children grow up to abuse their own children.

The damage done by unqualified parents can only be undone at a tremendous cost of time and effort. Every failure to protect an abused child inflicts incalculable costs upon society further on down the line. We all share the monetary cost, and some of us pay with heartache and tragedy.

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Abused children may not be able to express their frightening experiences verbally, but put them in a play room and they will naturally show through their drawings and games what is troubling them. With children, the play room is an important psychotherapy tool. (photo by Vincent Chang)

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Chang Erh-lien and Chou Yueh-hua have been foster parents for more than four years. The experience has been both trying and rewarding. The two have relied on each other for support, learning a little bit each day. (photo by Vincent Chang)