In early September, a mother and daughter quietly slipped into a clinic on Taipei's Neichiang Street, known as "abortion road." The daughter had just taken her entrance exams for university, but she hadn't been able to wait for the carefree days of college before tasting the forbidden fruit.

The distraught mother explained to the doctor that her daughter had always been such a good girl. Who would have thought that her coming-of-age ceremony would involve the sacrifice of a tiny life? Much to her surprise, the experienced doctor, a man, tried to comfort her by saying, "Never mind that. Every day I remind my son, a high school student, to bring a condom wherever he goes. Why don't you give your daughter some birth control pills, too?"

When condoms are found in the book bags of underage children, should you bawl the kids out? Or make sure that they understand the principles of "safe sex"? (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

Parents, media and peers

A Mrs. Chang, who works in advertising, has a story that tops that. After leaving the office to meet clients one afternoon, she returned home early only to discover a boy in her daughter's room. Her daughter, an eighth-grader, was naked below the waist, but she greeted her mother casually and wanted to introduce her to the boy.

"I was so aghast my heart almost stopped. The first thing I did after recovering from the initial shock was to charge at that boy and throw a few punches!" Three years later, Chang still gets very agitated when she recalls the incident. At her urging, the boy's mother arrived half an hour later. Since Chang's daughter was not yet 14, she threatened to call the police, and the boy's mother, anxious and ashamed, tearfully pleaded with her not to.

"At that moment I felt both sad and absurd," said Chang. The boy's father was a manager at a tech company and his mother was a pious Buddhist, but this youngest son of theirs was very rebellious. As for Mrs. Chang, she had done everything she could to raise her daughter right and had often tried to instill in her such moral precepts as "chastity is a woman's greatest treasure." But even the best environment couldn't prevent her child from succumbing to sexual desire. What went wrong? she wondered. Had she done a bad job raising her? Or rather was it that kids these days simply have no shame?

The doubts and sense of helplessness that plague Mrs. Chang are by no means unusual. "Many parents blame themselves when they discover their underage kids have had sex," says Edwin Yen, a health education professor at National Taiwan Normal University and executive director of the Mercy Memorial Foundation. Yen, who is regarded as the "father of sex education in Taiwan," urges parents not to be too hard on themselves. He notes that many things can shape kids' values these days, especially during adolescence, when the influence of peers and the media may outweigh that of parents.

Yen points to the example of films. Many parents think nothing of letting their teenagers watch PG-rated movies. Yen, however, warns, "While there is no nudity, the leading actors and actresses are often portrayed going to bed with each other on the same day that they meet. Yet for some reason it doesn't seem to bother anyone that films condone such aberrant values."

To please youths, even the government has been sponsoring big dance parties. It stands to question, however, whether the kids might not be turning these dances into springboards for something more than "good, clean fun." (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

Sex and the sexes

Liao Ching-pi, director of the Yoyuen Social Welfare Foundation, points to a glut of postmodernist indulgence and decadence in today's society, where a "fast-food" ethos has encouraged people to seek immediate gratification of their worldly and carnal desires. Pointing to the headline of a sex scandal story on the front page of a newspaper, Liao sighs, "When celebrities-adults-are ruled by their bodies, how can we blame kids?"

The rate of sexually active teenage girls in Taiwan has been climbing rapidly in recent years. Edwin Yen cited surveys of fifth-year students in Taipei's five-year junior colleges (who are the same age as sophomores at a university). In 1988, 35% of the boys and only 7% of the girls were sexually active, whereas by 1998 the number of boys having sexual experiences rose slightly to 37.5%, but the number of girls with sexual experience almost quadrupled to 26.7%!

"Women have achieved equality with men!" says Edwin Yen, forcing a smile. Traditionally, people have thought that girls were ruled by love and boys by lust. Yet a survey conducted in Japan three years ago revealed a curious result: "More high school girls there were sexually active than high school boys." Will Taiwan follow quickly in Japan's footsteps? The experts are worried.

"Just say no" is not enough

Although parents need not be too harsh on themselves for their children's sexual escapades, Edwin Yen emphasizes that parents are still their children's most important sex-ed teachers.

"Two people, who lack bonds of blood or money, get married because of love and have kids because of sex," said Edwin Yen. When parents won't even try to explain the meaning of "love" and "sex" to their children, how much can they expect schools and society to do?

Unfortunately, there are many parents who want to teach their children the right things but go about it in the wrong way.

"Being overly moralistic or authoritarian with your kids is worse than useless," says Yen. "It might very well backfire." Yen invokes a famous sex-ed slogan: "'Just say no' is not enough." When there are news reports about a junior high school girl giving birth or girls being gang raped while out on dates, some parents may use them to scare their children, sometimes even with a sarcastic tone of voice. As a result, the kids don't approach their parents when facing problems with the opposite sex, because they figure that "Mom and Dad would only lecture and find fault."

"A 'generation gap' is a result of two generations having had different formative environments and experiences," says Edwin Yen. He points out that teenagers didn't used to have cars to drive around in, nor mobile phones to call their friends on, nor Internet cafes to hang out in, nor friends to meet on the net. They went to single-sex schools, where eight kids were crammed into a single dormitory room, and there were patrols to catch teens loitering on the streets. Now, outside controls have totally collapsed, and it is hard to expect that willpower alone will keep kids from crossing moral lines.

When condoms are found in the book bags of underage children, should you bawl the kids out? Or make sure that they understand the principles of "safe sex"? (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

If Mommy was home. . .

Of course, kids always give out signs before they take a wrong turn, so parents should pay attention.

Ling Hsiou-min, executive director of the Taipei County Junior High and Elementary School Parents Association, is very open-minded when it comes to her kids' education, but on the other hand is also very attentive to what her kids say and do. She has observed some warning signs that parents of teens should be on the lookout for. These include frequent phone calls from the opposite sex, whispering on the phone, staying on the Internet until very late, piercing ears, shortening skirts, keeping a distance from parents, and ceasing to chat with parents.

Once you notice that something is not right, the next step is to try to keep the situation from getting out of control. At this stage, try not to let the kids spend a lot of time alone with nothing to do; don't give them opportunities to face temptations.

Unfortunately, an American study shows that more than half of all sex among teens happens at home when the adults aren't in. And in 60% of Taiwanese families with children under 18, both parents work. When parents are busy making a living and relations with neighbors are distant, the safety net for children simply isn't strong enough. In some cases, kids become pregnant or are arrested for sexually assaulting their girlfriends-yet the parents still refuse to believe their own kids could do such a thing.

To please youths, even the government has been sponsoring big dance parties. It stands to question, however, whether the kids might not be turning these dances into springboards for something more than "good, clean fun." (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

Are you lonesome too?

Worrying that they are not keeping a close enough eye on their kids, many parents hope to determine whether their kids have "done it" by searching their book bags when they aren't looking or listening in on their phone calls. Yet, as an educator, Yen knows all too well that adolescence is the crucial period when kids build the self-awareness that is necessary for future independence. Therefore, he is against parents abusing their authority and invading their children's privacy.

"If the parents interrogate their kids, asking 'have you had sex?' then does that mean that the kids can ask, 'how many times a week do you and Daddy (or Mommy) make love?'" Yen emphasizes that what's important isn't whether they have done it or not, but rather whether they have the right attitude and the ability to "establish long-term intimate relationships."

"We are all afraid of being alone," says Yen. "When there is no one to talk to at home and there are academic and interpersonal frustrations, many kids mistake two naked bodies holding each other tightly and giving each other warmth as love." Yen says that if this misimpression is not corrected, the kids will end up changing sexual partners throughout their lives, and their hunger for love will never be satisfied.

Unfortunately, just as the kids don't understand the true meaning of love, many parents, upon discovering that their kids are sexually active, never bother to investigate the reasons. Rather, they reproach and punish their kids, forbid them to see their friends, or even threaten to throw them out. All this only hurts the kids more, and makes them even more anxious and lonely, which is totally unhelpful.

When condoms are found in the book bags of underage children, should you bawl the kids out? Or make sure that they understand the principles of "safe sex"? (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

"Are you OK?"

Kuo Hung-chi, a lecturer for the Mercy Memorial Foundation who also answers phones at suicide hotlines, has an interesting theory about parents whose kids are sexually active.

Kuo believes that when underage kids have sex, it means that they want to get out of their parents' control, and that they are eager to become adults without the permission of their parents. In the Orient, where society traditionally stresses the "father-son axis" and regards children as "family accessories," this is hard for many parents to bear.

"It's like a husband or a wife having an affair," Kuo explains. "Once a kid has had sex, the unique dependency of children on their parents is destroyed, and this in turn makes parents feel a strong sense of betrayal and loss." Overcome with these negative emotions, parents are often unable to face their kids' problems rationally.

And so, when discovering that their kids have had sex, many parents' first reaction is to become furious. "Have you no self-respect?" they'll scold their daughters. "Who will ever want to marry you now?" "Are you so horny that you've lost all fear," they'll scold their sons, "even fear of being sent to prison!" If there is a pregnancy, somebody is going to get a beating. "It's completely unlike in the movies, where Western parents put their own feelings aside, give their kid a hug, and ask 'Are you OK?'"

Revering the idols of popular culture and chasing after the latest fashions, youths are much more influenced by their peers than by their parents. It's a major challenge for modern parents to remain friends with their children. (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

Let me see the baby's dad. . .

Miss Lu, who once attended a lecture by Kuo, feels the same way. As a single mom, Miss Lu has worked very hard to support her two daughters by herself. When she discovered her 16-year-old older daughter was pregnant, her first reaction was to give her a few hard slaps. With no man in the family to give her support, she worried that when the news got out her daughter would get expelled from school, so she decided to take her to get a secret abortion. She also threatened her daughter not to tell her boyfriend, worrying that he would tell everyone after they broke up and cause her daughter great shame.

She hadn't expected that on the day right after the abortion, her daughter would say that she wanted to go out for a "breath of a fresh air." Miss Lu angrily gave her daughter a good scolding. Later, her daughter gave her a note, saying "Mommy, I am not heartless, but please let me see my baby's dad. After all, we are the saddest ones. At a time like this, only we can comfort each other. Please let me have a good cry in his arms!"

"When I read the note, I suddenly realized that I had never stood in their shoes to feel what they felt," says Lu. Later, she accompanied her daughter to meet her boyfriend, watch them enter a movie theater and waited two hours in the McDonald's next door to pick her up and take her home afterwards. On her daughter's initiative, they held hands, and she felt that her daughter appreciated what she had done for her. And she felt fortunate that she hadn't missed the chance to make up with her daughter.

Miss Lu says frankly that after this incident, she hasn't dared to let her daughter go out alone. She takes her to school in the morning and picks her up in the afternoon. Sometimes, when her daughter is a few minutes late, she gets so nervous that she starts getting a stomachache out of fear that her daughter has arranged a secret rendezvous with her boyfriend again. But she also tells herself to respect her daughter no matter what. "I have promised them that they can be 'friends' as long as they let me know what they are doing."

"Knocking bones" as a form of exercise? When high school students refer to books like these in conversations with their parents, all their mothers and fathers can do is sigh that times have changed. (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

Is having sex early sinful?

There are many parents like Miss Lu. Ling Hsiou-min says that modern kids mature early and marry late, so that she doesn't dare "forbid premarital sex." She only hopes that kids will "stay pure and innocent as long as possible and become sexually active as late as possible." She also stresses that parents should not lump sexual activity with such behavior as running away from home, dropping out of school, or doing drugs, and that they should not put labels on their kids such as "bad" or "slutty," which would condemn them forever.

Mr. Luo, who has a 17-year-old son, has had similar painful experiences. His son went to a private high school famous for being strict, and his grades were poor. When he was a junior, he met a girl from the affiliated junior high school, and they soon fell in love. At first, the parents of both kids didn't think much about it. They never expected that the school would expel them because they were seen embracing on campus and it was feared that such behavior would "corrupt morals and affect the reputation of the school."

The process of getting expelled so humiliated the girl that she ran away from her uncle's home, which is where she was living. Finally, her mother came and took her back down south. When her mother found out that her daughter was no longer a virgin, she was so angry that she sued Mr. Luo's son. She would not settle because she wanted him to pay the most painful "price." The love-smitten boy not only didn't try to defend himself, he secretly took several trips down south to see his girlfriend. In the end, he couldn't concentrate on his studies at all. Seeing that his son has no hope of going to college, Mr. Luo is hopping mad.

"What happened to this society? Why do people want to make things difficult for the kids?" wonders an exhausted Mr. Luo after spending much of two weeks in court. He blames himself for his son's mistake, and said that in anger he once even threw him out. But what he found most unbearable was the meanness and holier-than-thou attitude that he saw in people through the whole legal process.

"Knocking bones" as a form of exercise? When high school students refer to books like these in conversations with their parents, all their mothers and fathers can do is sigh that times have changed. (photo by Hsueh Chi-kuang)

Delay or regret

Understanding how adults can hurt children under these circumstances, organizations that focus on these issues send out social workers to serve as a bridge between the kids, parents and teachers. Liu Yi-hsien, a staff member for the Taipei Association for the Promotion of Women's Rights, stresses that the association "forbids" its volunteers to be judgmental or reprimand the kids, and, most important of all, they are never supposed to make decisions on their behalf.

Take, for instance, premarital pregnancy. Many parents, based on financial considerations and the desire to save face, request that a baby be disposed of, but they overlook the damage an abortion can inflict upon their child, both physically and psychologically. The association tries to hold out a helping hand by analyzing the good and bad sides of all choices, the risks involved and the laws that might apply. If the girls end up deciding to give birth, the social workers try to find resources for them, including a place to stay during pregnancy, and help them make arrangements for adoptions or to apply for welfare money.

Chen Mei-yu, a senior volunteer for the Association for the Promotion of Women's Rights, says that in many parts of the world it is not so rare to see parents who are 17 or 18 years old, or sometimes even younger. Although this places a heavier burden on social welfare, it provides food for thought about things here. Teenagers are not necessarily unqualified parents. As long as there is a good social support network, they can choose for themselves and in the process become more mature and responsible.

"Do not be afraid that your kids will compromise their futures if they drop out of school," said Chen Mei-yu. She argues that kids can always go back later to finish their education, but that psychological damage, especially when it is repressed, will leave permanent scars.

Safe sex vs. school rules

Of course, sex-ed teachers have a kids-first orientation. Instead of issuing prohibitions, they stress the importance of channeling and reconciling inner desires. Unfortunately, schools don't always have a similar patience and tolerance. They don't allow the kids to learn from their mistakes and grow up their own way. Edwin Yen, director of the Taiwan Association of Sex Education, feels pretty helpless about this.

"Right now in sex education, the point being stressed is that both sexes should have respect for each other and practice safe sex," says Yen. "The promotion of condoms is urgent." But many junior and senior high schools today still conduct searches of students' book bags. If a condom is found, it will be noted on the student's record. When sex-ed teachers go to schools to give lectures, distribute bookmarks or offer condom demo programs, parents always show up to protest, saying that their kids are very innocent and don't need these kind of "sexual inducements."

"In a society that changes so rapidly, kids aren't the only ones who need sex-ed," says Yen. "Adults can not stubbornly hold onto a rigid ethical tradition." Yen believes that the size of the gap between the generations is extremely worrisome. He points out that sex-ed doesn't mean "sexual intercourse education." Since it's education about personal character and how one should live, it should start from a very young age.

Fortunately, when the integrated nine-year curriculum goes into effect, there will be more time devoted to sex education in junior high and elementary school classrooms. The education will provide the kids with a more complete understanding of sexual issues, including discussions about ethics, behavioral changes, and self-protection. These classes are not just going to focus on sensationalistic aspects of sex.

Yen stresses that having sex too early in life can indeed affect academic achievement and future happiness in marriage. On the other hand, he notes, "Life is long. If you are well behaved as an adolescent, that doesn't guarantee that everything will go smoothly thereafter." He points out that every individual is unique, and that there is no such thing as a "model life." The most important thing parents can do for their children is to be there with unselfish patience and care at crucial moments in their kids' lives.

It seems that when a child comes of age, it is time for parents to accept the challenge and change themselves. The hearts of parents are the same the world over. Are you ready?