I have many thoughts on the topic of bringing up children, especially bringing up American-born Chinese children (ABC's).

Two years ago, when my husband and I were expecting our little bundle of joy, the advice we received on "Bringing up Baby" amounted to at least half of the accumulated snowfall Maryland receives each winter. The advice and suggestions came regardless of whether you were able to take it all or not -hey, they care about you!

At the time, my husband and I were both just starting our doctoral studies. Heavy courseloads in addition to the arrival of baby meant that, aside from a fleeting moment of excitement, we lived an indescribably hectic life. First of all, we had to face the problem of breastfeeding. In America, most reference books hold mother's milk in high esteem, consequently, not to breastfeed your baby seems like an unpardonable evil. However, after having given birth to Fang, this "universal truth" became more complicated. After two days of excitement, my mother-in-law began to feel sorry for the baby, saying that he wasn't getting enough to drink and that breastfeeding was certainly not the way to go. The command had been made: bottle-feeding it was. Great. Who says children are ignorant? If milk flows effortlessly into your mouth, who is going to expend the energy to suck? From then on, that precious mother's milk, which had intensified my post-partum depression and permitted me to experience the pain of swollen breasts, was abandoned like an old pair of shoes. I lost this first battle over raising my child, taking to the hills in fear. It really doesn't matter how much you have learned or how many books you have read, you are no match for that special kind of "love" a grandmother has for her grandchild. Actually, bottle-feeding may have been more beneficial and economical in the end, since I had to return to school and work just one month after giving birth. However, I'll always feel that I lost out on that particular aspect of my relationship with Fang.

When my mother was helping us out during the first month, conflicts continually arose as to how to care for the baby. For instance, should the baby be breastfed or bottle-fed? Should he sit in an infant car seat or not? (American laws state that babies must ride in infant car seats.) Should he sleep in a crib or not? Should he be picked up and held often? Should he be held while he sleeps? Should we force him to eat? Should he have specific meal times? What about the concentration of the baby formula? American advice conflicted with Taiwanese experience and wreaked havoc on our household. We insisted that the baby ride in the infant car seat and sleep in the crib. If he didn't ride in the infant car seat we not only faced fines, but could also be charged with child abuse. Sleeping in the crib is not only safer for the baby but also more convenient for us. The preoccupation with how he should be fed and whether or not we should hold the baby while he sleeps only reveals the depth of love that grandparents have for their grandchildren. I still don't have answers for all these questions, nor do I dare think too carefully about them. However, one thing is certain, one can't pass quick judgement on the way the older generation did things, calling it absolutely wrong or absolutely right; it just depends on your point of view.

It was only after my mother-in-law returned to Taiwan that we suddenly realized how heavy the load on our shoulders was. We had been giving her all the responsibility for raising the child, and were only now conscious of it. In other words, the tremendous responsibility of bringing up Fang was now completely in our hands. Face to face with the task of raising Fang, my mother's words came to mind, "Not only does one have to know how to operate 'new machines' properly, but one also has to worry about maintenance and repair problems when they arise. Furthermore, instruction manuals are not included!" So, we mustered up all our energy, and with our set of half-Chinese, half-Western ways we took on the responsibility of bringing up Fang on our own. He would ride in the infant car seat and sleep in his crib, which was right next to our bed. We picked him up and held him whenever we wanted to and let him sense the full extent of our love (of course the after-effect of this was that when we didn't want to pick him up and hold him, we invariably had to). When he was hungry, we would feed him. We wouldn't force him to eat. A few of these child-rearing practices were passed down from generation to generation, but the majority were developed under circumstances not under our own control. Sometimes while reading about child care, if we came across a method which was identical to one we were using at home, we couldn't help but laugh secretly to ourselves, "Here's the proof!" Then, we could confidently tell others precisely why we did things a certain way, and of course, we wouldn't forget to add that such and such a book said this, and so and so, an expert on such matters, said that.

To tell you the truth, I really can't bear to think of how we survived those hard times, what with pressure from school, the demands of research, qualifying exams and the needs of a family with a new baby. One thought really sums it all up. Determining a way of bringing up your child which is both suitable for you and your child is not necessarily something that is ready-made; indeed, you, your child, and family members will most likely have to create your own formula! Of course, don't forget to promote these new methods to prospective parents!

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It is hard for anyone who has never done it to realize how hard it is to raise a child while studying abroad.