Can lovers be friends after breaking up? What is the best way to handle the end of a love affair, so that you don't find yourself in a dangerous situation? Is there an art to breaking up?
In the Book of Genesis in the Bible, God creates the garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve happily pass their days. God tells them that they can have the fruit of any tree in the garden, except that of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. One day, Eve, enticed by a serpent, eats the fruit of that tree, and tells Adam to do likewise. When God finds out, he angrily expels them from Paradise. He condemns women to the pain of childbirth, and to being under the control of their husbands. Men are punished by making them spend their lives tilling the soil.
"See? No one can stand being betrayed by someone else. Even God went crazy when he found out he'd been betrayed," says Shih Chi-ching, who divorced her husband more than ten years ago after finding out he was having an affair. Thus does she explain how a merciful God could inflict such harsh punishment on humankind.
Do you love me best?
When she discovered her husband was having affair, Shih even though of attacking her husband with a knife. She says that, having been through this period of anguish, she can completely understand the anger that Chou Yu-kou must have felt after being deceived.
Chou, a radio program host, went to the newspapers to tell about her affair with Huang Yi-chiao, director of the information office for the Taiwan Provincial Government, and about the abortion she had as a result of it. Having been two-timed by Huang, she appealed directly to Huang's boss, provincial governor James Soong. The ensuing scandal only died down when Huang was transferred to a lower profile post. "Her situation exposes a very common but mistaken viewpoint in Taiwan society. It is thought that well-educated people are able to manage their emotional lives well. But our society has paid a heavy price for inept handling of relationships," says Shih Chi-ching.
There's nothing new about love lost or marital infidelity-both are inevitably seen as betrayal. When one of a pair wants to break up, but the other is unwilling, inevitably the unwilling partner feels anger and hate at being abandoned, and cannot help but want to harm the other person.
But when does the media ever show us this side of love? Instead, we see a commercially constructed "Valentine's Day," dominated by a materialistic ritual of chocolates, flowers, and expensive candle-lit dinners. In many ways, contemporary society idealizes romantic love, through love songs, commercial advertising, horoscopes, romance novels, and match-making TV programs. It seems like love is something that can happen anytime, anywhere.
"Unfortunately this new dogma of lightning-blast love is lacking in one very important respect: It does not teach people how to cope with the fallout from love that has failed to live up to its promises, and does not warn people that if they do not handle breaking up well, they could put themselves in a dangerous situation." Thus wrote cultural critic Ping Lu in a column after Chen Ching-yi was stabbed to death.
All of my love for you?
The huge industry that manufactures and sells romantic fantasies has studiously avoided the topic of breaking up. For modern people, breaking up is not seen as a natural part of the process of love, but rather as failure.
The magazine Living Psychology did an analysis a few years ago of modern views of romance and marriage. It summed them up as follows: Love should lead to marriage. In marriage, the investment in the relationship by the wife will be larger than that by the husband. Finally, there is no consideration of breaking up.
In a mind-set in which marriage is the ideal outcome, breaking up is disappointing, even tragic, causing pain and regrets that may never fade.
Wang Ya-ko, an associate professor in the department of sociology at Chung Hsing University, often says to his students: "Being in love does not necessarily mean the two people will end up together, or will get married. Nor does it mean that they will feel happy and fortunate all the time. Still less does it indicate that they will understand each other better. Indeed, it is very likely, logically speaking, that all they will discover is that they are not really compatible, and will break up."
Yet people think that love should be forever, and are unwilling to accept breaking up. One factor underlying this phenomenon is changing interpersonal relations.
"Modern people have fewer brothers and sisters. They have little experience with relationships as they grow up, so they don't develop their ability to get along with other people," says Wang Hao-wei, a psychiatrist at National Taiwan University Hospital.
He notes that in its early years Taiwan's official family planning policy was "three years between births." Later, it became "two children is just right, and even one is not too few." The problem is, says Dr. Wang, that if there are few children, "many parents do their best to give each child everything possible. This indirectly creates a value system in which one is only successful if one has the whole world." Wang takes for example the case several years ago of a graduate student who put poison in a drinking fountain in an attempt to kill his girlfriend. When in love, highly educated young people often see their counterpart as an extension of themselves. They have an excessive desire to control the other person, and do not respect the other person as an independent individual. Therefore, when the other person wants to break up, this is total destruction, and "killing the other is actually a form of self-destruction."
What's love got to do with it?
"Breaking up is an art form in itself. But very few people talk about it. Rather they don't talk about it and hide things because they feel breaking up is humiliating," says Wang. Many women who come for psychiatric help suffering from insomnia or depression can trace their difficulties back to problems with love or marriage.
In love or in marriage, breaking up is always a taboo subject. Traditional women are raised to believe that a woman "first obeys her father, then obeys her husband." Leaving their "safe haven" is a dead end. How could they ever break up?
"A woman's life is determined early on by men. A woman is only a 'passing guest' in the home of her parents. She only finds her place in society when she marries, and has children to pass along her husband's name," sighs You Mei-nu, an attorney and former director of the Awakening Foundation. For many women unable to enter the work place, their entire happiness depends on whether or not their husbands remain faithful to them. But if the husband really does have an affair, what can they do? You says, "In terms of keeping traditional marriages together, most of the credit goes to the ability of the wife to absorb punishment and keep silent."
Take for example the case of Shih Chi-ching. When her husband had an affair, people suggested that maybe she was doing something wrong. Perhaps she was not thoughtful enough? Maybe she did not look her best? Women are usually the victims in cases of adultery, but when they divorce, society has little sympathy for them. Rather, it usually finds them morally culpable. How is it, some people wonder, that traditional women could stand it, but you can't?
It is only in the last few years that Taiwan society has escaped from the viewpoint that divorce is the result of the wife not performing well in her role as "gate keeper." Women who get divorced are no longer "branded."
According to statistics of the Ministry of the Interior, over the last twenty years, the divorce rate in Taiwan has tripled. In 1997 166,000 couples got married, while 38,000 couples divorced. That's a ratio of less than 5: 1. The number of divorces was the highest in history.
I finally lost you
What is the significance of the rising divorce rate? Does it mean that both sexes are already able to face breaking up with equanimity? Or is it that, compared with a break-up between lovers, the ending of marital relations is governed by more rational and pragmatic considerations?
Chien Chun-an, president of the Evergreen College of Management and an expert in marriage counseling, argues that the rising divorce rate reflects the fact that women are better educated, making them more independent, and allowing them to escape from economic dependence on men.
Chinese have always encouraged those whose marriages are in trouble to stay together. Nevertheless, while divorce is certainly not desirable, it is the main way to bring unfortunate marriages to an end. It is an essential form of protection for both sexes.
The problem is, when a marriage hits the rocks, can the male and female players agree to cut the knot as smoothly as they tied it? Can they handle complex issues that go beyond their romantic problems, such as children and property rights.?
"The law cannot guarantee that the feelings between two people will never change. But when the marriage runs into trouble, there must be reasonable rules for breaking up. Otherwise, it is just the law of the jungle, and the strong devour the weak," says Attorney You. "The laws must be fair in order to minimize the damage in breaking up."
She emphasizes that in Europe and North America, there are guaranteed legal procedures for divorce. Negotiations can determine property division and custody rights for children. Taiwan is still stuck at the stage of appealing for a judgment of divorce. That is to say, the court must see proof of "abandonment," "adultery," or "unbearable abuse." Ms. You says, "Such a visible and open process, though it may still allow the divorce, inevitably makes enemies out of the husband and wife."
Where did you sleep last night?
As difficult as it is for married couples to remain friends after breaking up, it is even more difficult for lovers. In the wake of the recent series of crimes of passion, author Yang Tzu suggests that there is a fundamental difference between the breakup of a marriage and the end of a love affair.
He avers that married couples have been through a long process of falling in love, marriage, and living together, which provides a foundation of emotional attachment and understanding. When divorce becomes inevitable, the two people have already been through repeated internal struggles. Equipped from their married life with an understanding of the practical difficulties of romance, it is easier for the two parties to accept the end of the line.
"However, for unmarried lovers, it's usually an absolute choice-all or nothing," says Yang. Because love affairs lack the guarantees of marriage, lovers are emotionally possessive. Even a small disturbance can be the spark that turns doubts and insecurity into a fire that can't be contained.
Two years ago, Living Psychology conducted a survey of lovers. Among the many reasons given for breaking up were "incompatible personalities," "family opposition," "a feeling of not being taken seriously," "geographical separation," and "loss of passion."
Thus there are many variables that cause love to wither, gradually altering its character, and eventually leading to arguments, breaking up, and even to completely cutting off the other person. Of these factors, the one with the greatest potential to lead to violence is "transfer of affection to another."
When two people have been in love, and one suddenly withdraws their affection, the other finds their once happy soul suddenly devastated; the feeling of loneliness and emptiness is something that cannot be filled. This is especially so when the reason for breaking up is that someone else is "more beautiful and more gentle," "more mature and more stable," or "more compatible in the way they think and feel." Such reasons are difficult to accept.
At first jilted lovers may cry alone, or curse their former partner to the lowest level of hell. Then may come a period of following and spying on the other person, making harassing phone calls, heavy drinking, or other irrational behaviors that one does not even understand oneself.
"What was I doing? Besides crying, I was calling his house, most often in the middle of the night. I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't hang up either," one Living Psychology reader confessed. Fearing her housemates would find out, she always made calls from a nearby phone booth. When her former lover would answer, she would just hold the line without saying anything. When his phone was back on the hook, she would call again.
"Later, I don't know if he called the police or what, but all the phones in the neighborhood had people watching them. So I rode my motorcycle farther away to call, changing to a different district of the city to find phones every night. I thought I was going crazy. I was riding around on my motorcycle in the middle of the night, frantically looking for telephones."
"I couldn't stop myself from making the phone calls, and couldn't stop thinking that I wanted to steal his license plates, or smash the windows of his apartment, or tear down the underwear that he and she had hanging on the line outside in order to cut it up and throw it back. The were so many things I couldn't help thinking, all because of jealousy."
Moths to the flame
It is difficult to be prepared for all the ups and downs of love. "Modern love is no longer simply a question of 'till death do us part.' However, this is not because of changing morals, but is a product of change in the environment," says Yu Teh-hui, a professor in the graduate institute of ethnic relations and culture at Tunghua University. He says that when lovers break up, there are a whole range of reactions-from "I'll kill him (or her)," to "it's water under the bridge," and even "I sincerely hope that you are happier." Crimes of passion are the exception, not the rule.
These exceptions usually come about as a result of love triangles. According to statistics from marital counseling groups, physical abuse and adultery lead the list of "marriage killers." As counseling experts put it, having two wives is by nature "abnormal," so you know how unlikely it is that things will end smoothly.
Shih Chi-ching, who says of herself that "I never criticize extramarital affairs from a moral point of view," avers that in fact many men fail to think clearly about the consequences of an extramarital affair.
Shih, who has been active in the women's movement for several years, says that she was deeply impressed by an incident involving a man in this situation. On one occasion, after she delivered a dinner speech on her marital experiences, a successful businessman grabbed the door of the car in which she was about to leave and cried: "I have really wronged my wife, and wronged my lover." His friends pulled him away saying "You're drunk!" He responded: "None of you understand. I'm really suffering."
Chien Chun-an notes that extramarital affairs entail enormous risks. A third party becomes involved in the family life of others, the people having the affair face a moral challenge, and after the most romantic initial stage passes, pressure grows to bring the affair to an end. Having chosen a path of love that is by nature misguided and tragic, it is natural that it leads to serious problems.
Disappointment cannot be avoided
If a person has gone through a great deal for a relationship, such as time spent living together, or having an abortion, says Chien, these are like huge bets laid on the table. If they don't pay off, the reaction will certainly be intense.
People who look at love in economic terms, using a logic of "profit" and "payment," can easily feel that they have been treated unfairly. They may have already moved to the stage of intimacy, but in their hearts they feel that it is the other person who is getting all the profit while they are making all the payments. But can you calculate a "rate of return" on love?
Chien has always suggested: "For love, you can make genuine sacrifices, but do not exceed the bottom line. The best way to keep yourself from falling into an even greater whirlpool is to play it safe."
Lin Yi-cheng of the Warm Life Association offers an analysis of the psychology of lovers. Even if feelings have faded, if the other one is the first to raise the subject of breaking up, there's still a feeling of having lost. This sense of being abandoned-and of failure-is something many people are not willing to accept, and leads in turn to resentment.
In order to insure one's safety and make for a smooth breakup, you can use the method Lin used when she was young. Do whatever it is that your counterpart hates the most, such as showing up late for dates, cutting off your long hair, or wearing mini skirts. When "the other person is the first to say that they don't want you, then things can go very smoothly."
But however good your strategy, sometimes it just doesn't work. Author Yang Tzu emphasizes that, if breaking up becomes inevitable, the one who is first to make the move should do so with a great deal of sympathy and sense of atonement. After all, when things have reached the end, there's no need to be mean to the other person.
Scarred heart
Author Yuan Chiung-chiung offers the following metaphor: "Falling out of love is like a long-term illness, it cannot be cured in a single stroke." If you find it difficult to accept losing love all at once, you must think of a way to let it slowly slip away like sands through an hourglass. People who are unwilling to give up on a relationship often do irrational things, but when their craziness reaches a certain level, they will stop and reflect, and will regret their behavior later. But there must be a bottom line. At the very least one cannot physically harm or threaten the life of the other person or oneself.
The person who first suggests breaking up is in the stronger position. They must understand the kinds of abnormal behavior the other person may engage in, and the kinds of vicious things that might be said. However, when facing threats like, "You think you can leave me? Just try it!" is it necessary to take them seriously?
"The important thing is not to let yourself get angered by what the other person says, and get into insulting each other." Psychiatrist Wang repeatedly emphasizes that those who have the ability to fall in love must also have the ability to break up. If those living alone fear retribution, at the very least they can change their locks, change telephone numbers, strengthen security, and take other protective measures.
If the two parties want to negotiate a breakup, definitely don't bring the third person along, for this will only make the other person angrier. The best thing is to have a friend that both parties trust to be there to keep things cool. Wang argues that when the other person's anger begins to rise, the best thing to do is "play it soft." Say something like: "I'm really very tired. Let's not ruin the beautiful memories we have of the past." Break off the discussion, and ask the other person to go away.
Author Wu Tan-ju has written an article to be on the lookout for warning signs that someone may be a "love murderer." She relates that the most distinguishing characteristic of the kind of person who would kill someone over on unhappy ending to a love affair is that they always place the blame for problems on others. Quoting psychologists, she warns: "Those who have no other friends but you, those who react excessively to small frustrations, those who are at once insecure and vain, those who want to take up every minute of your time, those who want you to spend time with no one else, not even friends or family... These kinds of people are likely to become violent in the future."
"Don't doubt love," she says. What we should doubt is our attitude toward love. "Don't mistake 100% control for 100% love. Don't mistake constant arguing for passion. Believing in horoscopes and fortune tellers will not do you as much good as believing in your own patient observations over time."
If you don't speak, who will know?
In breaking up someone always gets hurt. The most important thing for jilted lovers is to find some support and rebuild their lives. In terms of seeking such help, there is a fundamental difference between the two sexes.
Lin Yi-cheng of the Warm Life Association says that many people have the mistaken impression that they are "teaching women how to get the better of men." In fact, Warm Life has always hoped that it could "close up shop." But it seems that a growing number of people in Taiwan find themselves in dangerous situations because they are unable to handle relationships that get worse the longer they go on.
Warm Life has already expanded services to Kaohsiung and Taichung. Even Chinese living in the United States have requested the group to set up a branch there.
According to statistics compiled by Warm Life, 10 years ago 4000 or so women came seeking help. This year nearly 75,000 came. The number of men who sought help ten years ago was only 100 or so, but by this year the number had risen to 2500.
Men also have the problem of being abandoned. "Men who are abandoned by their wives are even more pitiable because in our society men have nowhere to turn, nor are they permitted to show their emotions, so it is more serious for them when they suffer," says Shih Chi-ching. Most men vent their feelings through domestic violence (like taking it out on the children) or by going to brothels. But does this really solve the problem?
Among Wang Hao-wei's small number of male patients, there's one successful doctor in his 40s. His wife, seeking personal growth, went into the workplace and pursued advanced study. The couple gradually found themselves on divergent paths, and agreed to break up. After the divorce, he found girlfriends one after another, but was in a state of depression. "He began to have problems coping with intimate relationships, and went into hiding." He shut himself up in his work, rarely meeting with family or friends; after work he just watched TV and drank, becoming an alcoholic.
"Men who seek help are not traditionally considered to be manly," says Wang Ya-ko of Chung Hsing University. In our society, men are expected to be "cool and rational, capable of handling their own affairs, strong at all times, and they definitely cannot cry. But no man is like this, just as no woman is completely emotional or hysterical. But most people subscribe to these stereotypes. Thus, when most men run into trouble, they won't even talk about it, much less ask for help."
It's happiness that counts
Whatever the circumstances surrounding the breakup, says Chien Chun-an, romantic disappointment often occurs in four stages: destructive (for example, appealing to be boss of the other party, or going to his or her office to cause a scene), decadent (drinking or throwing oneself into another affair), complaining, and growth. For those intent on revenge, he suggests that the best revenge is living well, indeed, living better than the other party. A basic principle of romantic experience has always been that if the person who breaks it off sees that the person they left behind is vibrant and happy, the former will inevitably feel regret.
Dr. Wang opines that however one gets through the process-accompanied by friends, supported by family, or with the help of counseling-"you have to lose love at least three times to really understand what it means to love another person." Falling out of love can also be a process of self-healing, and often one is made stronger by having suffered a loss.
There's no concert that does not end with the people going home. When the song of love is over, and feelings have run their course, people must have the courage to say: "I hope you are happy in your life. Thank you for having loved me."
p.34
In the Peking Opera Judge Bao Condemns Chen Shimei, the righteous Judge Bao sentences the greedy Chen-who abandoned his wife and children in order to marry an imperial princess-to have his head chopped off. Justice was done! These days, stories of betrayal abound, but where can we find a Judge Bao? (photo by Li Ming-hsun)
p.37
What is the best way to bring a failed love affair to an end? Learning how to hold on to the good memories while waiting for spiritual growth is something everyone should learn to do.
p.38
Everyone is hoping for Cupid's arrow to strike, but have they given any thought to what to do if love does not work out as desired? The photo shows the set of a match-making TV show.
p.40
Till death do us part.... Is it a promise? Or a curse? (photo by Diago Chiu)
illustrations by Lee Su-ling
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