Taming Your Temper--The Key to a Better Life

Listen to your body speak

Awareness is the most important step in coming to grips with anger.

Psychologists have found that in many situations, anger seethes unnoticed inside of us.

Shiuh-Li Liuh Memorial Foundation mental health counselor Emily Liu reminds us, "Our bodies can communicate with us." We can start the dialog by being aware of our bodies. Watch for an accelerated pulse, tensed muscles, clenching of teeth, and shallow, rapid breathing-all possible signs of anger. Look for indicators of possible pent up anger, such as inability to focus on work, restless anxiety, frequent toilet trips, and insomnia.

Leave for a while

If you sense anger welling unstoppably within you, leave for a while. Go for a walk; relax your fingers one at a time; think about something else. Do not obsess over the problem. Try deep breathing to relieve the tension in your body. Breathe in from the diaphragm... hold it... breathe out... hold it... repeat. Each step should last four seconds. Try imagining your favorite way to relax. Practice relaxing to avoid hurting anybody or making decisions that you would later regret.

If the situation permits, vent your anger on a punching bag, scream or cry, find comfort in snacking (don't overdo it). Harness your ire to do something constructive, like cleaning your house.

Root out the source of your anger

Now that you have taken emergency measures to deal with your anger, it is necessary to follow up.

Ask yourself, "Why was I so miffed?" "What was it that went through my mind?"

"Write down in detail everything you felt that day. Anger doesn't just happen," explains Liu. "Look for any buttons that set you off." Follow up by being honest with yourself, figure out what makes you tick, and know your buttons. Do your homework, so that if and when those buttons are pushed, you won't explode.

Some believe that anger is a good thing: a call for help by the body and mind that leads us to a deeper understanding of ourselves.

Deal with the immediate first-put out the wildfires

Approaches like leaving the scene or blowing off steam are not true solutions. They simply afford you the opportunity to reevaluate with a cooler head the situation that upset you in the first place, thereby providing you the opportunity to "respond," rather than "react" to unpleasant situations.

Liu reminds us, "Take immediate control of your anger. Outbursts follow a pattern. Learn to express yourself in a timely and judicious manner when problems arise. Do not allow your irritation to build and fester-it could reach critical mass and detonate. Communicate clearly as soon as you sense the signs of anger, while you can still do so calmly. Do not wait until your blood is boiling and your eyes are popping out of your head, as your anger will blur your focus and could hurt those around you as well as yourself.

Think positively

Psychological research indicates that feeling threatened, hurt, or unfairly treated, having codes violated or hopes shattered are all major triggers for anger.

Liu has noticed that people who frequently lose their temper have some common characteristics, including a tendency to play up in their own minds situations that others might simply find unpleasant. A rude driver, for instance, might lead them to think "Everybody likes to bully me...Why am I always so unlucky?"

An excessive amount of this type of thinking is an example of obsessive-compulsive behavior. People who feel that everybody is "out to get them" might need anti-psychotic medications and therapy.

Liu explains that to give her patients a fresh perspective, she asks them to switch places with their "offenders" during counseling sessions. She then asks, "Do others really always treat you that way?" "Does everybody really look down on you?" Through repetition, holes are punched in the patients' belief systems. They slowly relinquish the notion that they are always right or that they have no choice in how they react.

Many psychologists have also come to realize that awareness of the source of anger does not necessarily lead to its elimination. Sometimes discovering the cause justifies, in the patients' own minds, the indignation that they feel, which only serves to stoke it further. In situations such as these, they need to ask themselves, "Do others really have to do things my way?"

Tang Hua-sheng, director of the community mental health department of the Taipei City Psychiatric Center, explains, "Sometimes I placate my patients by telling them that we are all repaying sin-debts accumulated in previous lives. Accept the fact that life is not fair and half of your anxieties will simply disappear."

The most fundamental way to extricate yourself from anger's quagmire is to change the way you think. Try going around the mountain, not over it. Shake off the shackles that fetter your mind. This inescapable life lesson may sound difficult to learn, but it does not have to be-a simple change of attitude is all it takes.