Till Divorce Us Do Part...Whither Modern Marriage?

Do you want to get married? Are you prepared to have a family? Besides choosing the date, getting wedding photos taken, arranging for the wedding banquet, and making reservations for the honeymoon, have you been to pre-marital education classes and picked up your "marriage passport"? Have you considered using the "human rights marriage certificate" to build a prudent foundation for your marriage alliance?

The dysfunctional family

According to the Office of Population Administration of the Ministry of the Interior, last year 175,000 couples married in the ROC, while more than 49,000 divorced, yielding a divorce rate of 28%. This is higher than in the neighboring countries of Japan, Singapore, and Korea. In fact, in terms of divorce rate, Taiwan is No. 1 in Asia!

There is of course no direct connection between the divorce rate and social disorder. But at the same time it must be said that the family is the foundation of social stability, where the individual's character is formed. The family is where the individual is first socialized in all aspects of psychological and physical health, emotional life, ethics, and moral behavior.

Chang Chun-hsing, a professor of psychology at National Taiwan Normal University (NTNU), says: "Juvenile delinquency is rooted in the family, surfaces in the schools, and is made worse in society."

According to "A Study of Juvenile Cases" produced by the Ministry of Justice, family factors account for most juvenile crime. In 1997, 98.87% of youth crimes were attributed to poor parenting or family breakup.

Of particular concern are the rising number of cases of child abuse. According to the Ministry of the Interior, 80% of the time the abuser is the child's own parent.

These figures are disturbing. What is wrong with the functioning of the family and with family education? What is wrong with modern parents?

Evidence suggests that children are most affected not by family structure per se (for example, divorced or single parent vs. married couple) but by the relationship between the parent(s) and children and by the methods used to teach the children.

Wu Chyi-in, an associate research fellow at the Academia Sinica's Institute of Sociology, is now in the fifth year of a longitudinal study that seeks to discover why some young people are well adjusted and others maladjusted. Some young people who adjust poorly internalize their disappointment and blame themselves, ending up depressed. Some externalize, and blame society, becoming anti-social or even criminal.

Wu points out that the strongest piece of evidence acquired in the last five years is that there is no relationship between poor adjustment and family structure, but there is a correlation between poor adjustment and the methods used by parents to raise and teach their kids. "Although many families appear to be intact, there are in fact problems between the parents, and they put the blame on the children, which damages the children. On the other hand, many single parents spend a great deal of time and effort with their children, and their children are even more outstanding as a result."

Marriage homework

The traditional marriage mechanism has been made obsolete by changing times, and it is difficult to maintain the quality of married life. In response to this problem, the Ministry of Education is currently proposing a "Family Education Law" which would require men and women to undergo four hours of pre-marital education.

According to a survey conducted by NTNU's Family Education Center (FEC), 82% of respondents approve of the stipulation to require pre-nuptial education. More than 90% agree that pre-marital education would be helpful, and 95% would encourage unmarried friends and relatives to participate.

It appears that many people believe that marriage and family life is something that must be learned. Huang Nai-yu, director of the NTNU FEC, points out that in Christian countries churches often handle the work of family education. But Taiwan's education system lacks any family or marriage education. Inevitably, when people "go into battle unprepared," many lives are wasted.

Lin Ju-ping, an associate professor in the Department of Home Economics Education at NTNU, says that she has asked many people who are about to be married whether they have fully prepared. She usually gets answers like, "Oh yeah we finished taking the wedding photographs," "The banquet catering is all arranged," "We have our honeymoon reservations confirmed...." and other such comments unrelated to future marital happiness. Few people tell her that they have discussed things like division of household responsibilities, managing family finances, and the practical problems of married life.

Be prepared

Of course it is impossible to expect that a mere four hours of pre-nuptial education will ensure a lifetime of marital bliss. Huang Nai-yu argues that the law is nonetheless valuable, if not for its practical impact, then for raising consciousness. The point is to remind people considering marriage to think carefully about what marriage really means, about who they really are, and about what kinds of problems may come up, rather than wait until problems come upon them unexpectedly.

Lin Ju-ping, noting that every individual comes from a different background and has a different level of education and intelligence, reminds us that you cannot solve individual problems with a generalized curriculum. What you can do, she says, is to provide resources and concepts so that when people come up against family or marriage problems, they are less likely to panic and lose control.

So what are the most important things to learn prior to marriage? According to the results of the survey conducted by the FEC, most people think three things are particularly important: understanding the differences between the sexes, knowing how to cope with the extended family (including in-laws), and improving sex education.

The Ministry of Education has commissioned the FEC to prepare courses including communication techniques, managing marital life, the idea of marriage, role expectations, sex education conflict resolution, and extended-family relations.

At present, the Family Education Law is still in the legislature awaiting a third reading. There is no knowing when it will be passed or implemented. But, points out Chen Hsueh-yu, director of the Department of Social Education at the Ministry of Education, even after the law is passed, pre-marital education will not be compulsory. It may be implemented in cooperation with the wedding photograph, wedding cake, and wedding banquet industries, with incentives offered to encourage people to participate.

Education or matchmaking?

In fact, Taiwan has been making efforts at family education for many years now. But, because of practical limitations, the results have been less than ideal.

Beginning in the 1990s, the Ministry of Education established a special fund to subsidize family education centers in Taipei, Kaohsiung, and each of the 21 cities and counties in Taiwan. Last year, they began promoting the idea of "learning families." Chen Hsueh-yu says that the five basic ingredients of a learning family are: willingness to be concerned about family members, willingness to communicate with family members, willingness to share with family members, willingness to learn together with family members, and willingness to exchange promises and obligations with family members.

Straightforward enough in theory. However, at the city and county level of implementation, a number of unexpected problems have arisen.

Mei Huang-chu, a field worker at the Taipei County FEC, has found that when she mentions activities like parental support groups or "learning families," the response she gets most is the housewife complaining: "I'm changing, but that old coot of mine never changes!" Mei says that getting men to participate in study groups has always been a major problem. Although there has been some increase in participation by men in recent years, the number is still far behind that of women.

Besides "learning families," various local FECs have also set up "pre-marital education classes" to teach unmarried people better communication skills and the nature of marriage. However, many people simply see these classes as a way to meet other single people, so the results are uneven.

Lu Hsin-teh, born in 1970 and employed in a securities company, was brought to the pre-marital education class at the Taipei City FEC by a friend, and he also participates in the "Single Club." He says that right now he does not have any particular woman in mind, though in the past year or so, he has met more than 10 possibles, albeit so far with no matches.

Wu Shu-ya, an employee at an information technology company who is 33 this year, says that the two-month pre-marital education curriculum has been very useful to her. In the past she felt inept in her emotional life and incapable of managing a marriage. But now she feels that her ability to understand and talk about her feelings is greater, and she has a better chance of making a success of a marriage.

Easy come, easy go

Some people argue that the traditional family structure is dissolving mainly because divorce has become too easy.

Beginning with California in 1969, many US states have passed "no-fault divorce" laws, making it very easy to file for divorce. By the 1990s, one-half of all couples in the US were ending up by breaking up. An opinion survey says that 65% of respondents believe that no-fault divorce has been damaging to the country.

In the past, divorce in the ROC was based on "cause." One could only file for divorce if a case conformed to one of 10 listed reasons. Recently, the Ministry of Justice has begun to make major adjustments in the conditions set for adjudication of divorce proceedings under the Family Provisions of the Civil Code. Besides situations such as bigamy, adultery, abuse, and abandonment, couples can now file for divorce in the event of any serious incidents which make living together impossible, or if the husband and wife have not cohabited for five years or more.

In contrast to Taiwan, where it seems the conditions required for divorce are being relaxed, in the US, the state of Louisiana three years ago adopted its Covenant Marriage Law. Those who choose to be married under this law will find it very difficult to divorce in the future. Divorce can only be sought if it can be proven that one spouse has been violent or sexually abusive toward the other spouse or the children; one of the partners has engaged in adultery, abandoned the family for more than a year, or been convicted of a serious crime; or the couple has been separated for two years or more.

Though there is no similar law in the ROC, the Human Rights Education Foundation (HREF) is working in this basic direction with its "human rights marriage certificate." The premise of the certificate is that people take their marriage vows seriously, and the provisions of the certificate appeal to everyone to respect and treasure marriage.

Modern marriage vows

Pesus Chou, executive director of the HREF, asserts: "Young people will spend NT$70-80,000 on wedding photos, but don't take their wedding vows seriously." The wedding vows in the human rights marriage certificate have eight articles. These were drafted by the foundation's chairman, Bo Yang (who himself has had a rocky marital past) and adopted after discussions with other directors. The main points include: mutual respect and mutual love, positive use of language and prohibition of domestic violence, equal contributions to the family by the husband and wife, prohibition of seeing the children as instruments for the realization of the parents' own ambitions, acceptance of the monogamous marriage system, cultivation of concern and caring in the course of ordinary married life, filial respect for one's own parents and for the parents of the partner, and cultivation of artistic interests outside of one's profession.

The pursuit of human rights in marriage doesn't fit very well with traditional notions like "the husband sings and the wife follows the tune" or "disagreements between husband and wife are always forgotten by the morning after." Chen Ai-ni, an expert on gender and marriage, says that emphasizing human rights in marriage is not meant to put one's spouse "on warning" or to make divorce fairer. Rather it is to preserve marriage and secure the foundations of happiness between husband and wife. Chen believes that it can effectively deter physical and psychological domestic violence, which would be the first step in "happiness engineering."

As Pesus Chou explains, "The purpose of promoting the human rights marriage certificate is to dissolve the poison of excessively romantic expectations of marriage." New couples must recognize that effort must be invested to manage and nurture a marriage, and that marriage is not like in children's fairy tales, where the prince and a princess live happily ever after.

When Lai An-chi, who tied the knot last November, went to deliver wedding cakes to her teacher Pesus Chou, she picked up a human rights marriage certificate, which is not yet available to the public. She feels that the marriage certificate fits her own expectations of marriage, and in her wedding ceremony, she and the groom solemnly read out the marriage vows, taking sentences in turn. Lai An-chi says: "The guests were very moved, and afterwards one of my teachers asked me to give her a copy of the marriage vows."

In her first two years of marriage, admits Lai, inevitably there have been rough spots. But she re-reads her marriage certificate from time to time to remind herself not to forget the vows that she made before the Buddha.

Hsu Su-chu, one of the foundation's directors, got married at the end of July. She and her husband, who is not a native of Taiwan, held a very moving marriage ceremony with Bo Yang as one of the witnesses and Pesus Chou reading out the marriage vows.

"I thought a foreigner wouldn't put up with this kind of thing, but, contrary to my expectations, he readily agreed," says Hsu. Now whenever they have a problem or argument, it seems natural to appeal to the marriage contract: "Well, Article One says...." Each time they've been able to peacefully resolve their differences.

Patience and persistence

Bo Yang, who drafted the vows, says, "Modern wedding relations should not be simply contractual, but should be a kind of commitment, an alliance." As the marriage certificate declares in closing: "Although we cannot be perfect from the start, we will patiently pursue perfection, never despair, and never give up."

The key to saving modern marriage lies in the vows taken by two people to patiently pursue perfection and never give up, "till death do us part." For those of you who are still single, does this make you reconsider?

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Are you ready? Besides arranging for the wedding ceremony, banquet, and honeymoon, have you been to "pre-nuptial education" or picked up your "marriage passport"?

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In recent years, the number of foreign women marrying men from Taiwan has been increasing. They need help adjusting to their new environment. The photo shows a language class for non-native wives.

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"And they lived happily ever after...." But in reality married life can sometimes be monotonous or rocky, and you have to invest a lot of effort to make it work.

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Pesus Chou, a professor of public health at Yangming University, displays the human rights marriage certificate" produced by the Human Rights Education Foundation. Rebuilding family values and rescuing modern marriages start with re-emphasizing marriage vows.

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"Till death do us part." This is not only a venerable phrase from the past, but a worthy goal for couples today. (photo by Pu Hua-chih)

In recent years, the number of foreign women marrying men from Taiwan has been increasing. They need help adjusting to their new environment. The photo shows a language class for non-native wives.

"And they lived happily ever after...." But in reality married life can sometimes be monotonous or rocky, and you have to invest a lot of effort to make it work.