Dear Editor,
On reading your January cover story, "The Changing Family," I was deeply moved. The story talks about the diversity of the modern family. From the three-generation family, the nuclear family, the step-parent family to the inter-generational family, for all these different types there exists the possibility of achieving happiness.
But in reality each family has its own hard row to hoe, and happiness is a fleeting thing. I'd like to share with your readers my own personal experience.
I am a middle-aged man living apart from my wife and child and am gradually moving toward divorce. Serious differences in personality and outlook with my wife made it very difficult to continue living together, and I moved out of the house five years ago. But this did not at all mean that I abandoned my duties as a father. In order to be close to and look after my daughter, I rented a place near where my wife and daughter lived.
Getting married is easy, getting divorced is difficult. Especially after you have children, divorce seems like the hardest thing in the world.
Because my wife's traditional thinking is deeply rooted and holds the breakup of the family to be a shameful thing, she is intent upon preserving a "complete family," even if it is a lie, even if there are no longer any feelings between husband and wife. Added to this is the fact that my daughter is still very young and not capable of understanding adult emotional relationships and problems. Thus for me the road to divorce is long and difficult.
What concerns me most is the harm done to a child by the divorce of the parents. On this account I consulted a psychologist who outlined to me three principles: (1) the child should have the right to make the decision to visit the father at any time, (2) the child should not be brought into the parents' disputes, and (3) parents should not argue or criticize the faults of the spouse in front of the child. If these three principles can be observed, then the harm done to the child will be minimized. I love my daughter, and for her sake I have actually followed these three principles. But still, I don't know when the most appropriate time will be to go through with the divorce.
Although I am living apart from my wife, we get together frequently for my daughter's sake. She is very close to me and I frequently take her out inline skating. The three of us also eat out together. I wonder what kind of family that makes us? In my heart, however, I know full well that this is not the kind of life I want.
I hope I can make my daughter understand that raising her is the greatest joy of my whole life. Until she is an adult, I can never leave her. Even if her mother and I get divorced, I will still always be her father-I certainly won't have "divorced" her.
Ellen Huang, the founder of the Single Parents Educational Foundation, has called upon people not to be prejudiced against single parents. Because of the increasing complexity of the social environment, anyone can end up being a single parent. I feel it is not a crime to get divorced and the single-parent family (or any other kind of family) should not be regarded with prejudice. A pluralistic society should be more magnanimous. When we all tear up the labels and get rid of mutual suspicion, that will be the beginning of happiness and freedom.
