Seven Guidelines for a Happy Marriage

1. Get off to a good start-choose your spouse carefully

Individuals all have their own particular cultural background and value system. For that reason, the idea that prospective mates should come from similar economic and social backgrounds is not medieval. Most books on marriage include detailed "compatibility" checklists covering everything from ethnicity to where the two people live, their economic standing and level of education, how they interact with their own families, their respective personalities, interests and health, and what they hope for out of life. Couples should take all of these items into consideration before they get married.

For example, a woman from a wealthy family married a man from a poorer family and ended up leaving him out of anger at his insistence on buying secondhand furniture and appliances. Another woman, a writer, was so disliked by her husband's family because of her mainland ancestry that her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law applauded her husband's affair. These kinds of problems are common, and unless couples air them before they get married, they can be the fuse that sets off later marital tensions.

Falling in love with someone with a "pathological personality"-an alcoholic or a compulsive gambler, a paranoiac, a person with an obsessive-compulsive personality, or even someone with violent tendencies-greatly increases the chances that your marriage will end tragically. However, professionals remind us that there are reasons we are attracted to particular people. Those who choose a partner with a pathological personality usually have pathological needs of their own. Therefore, the first step to choosing a partner is to grow up and build a healthy personality of your own.

2. Ask yourself, "Why do I want to get married?"

In modern society, people no longer have to marry. The question then is why do you want to tie the knot? Some people marry to avoid loneliness. Others do it for money or to climb the social ladder. Still others are looking for a sense of stability or security. Some even marry to seek "revenge" on a former lover. What do you admire about your partner? What expectations do you have of your marriage? You need to have these things clear in your own mind, and, when the time comes, you have to express them clearly to your partner.

Those who marry to advance themselves shouldn't complain that their spouse worships money and has no soul; those who catch themselves a handsome husband or beautiful wife shouldn't then moan that their spouse is narcissistic or self-centered. Many people are made unhappy by their own contradictory expectations of their spouse or their marriage. The fault isn't the spouse's-it is their own for not having been honest with themselves.

3. Understand your "marriage contract" and have a "life plan"

Marriage studies often bring up the marriage of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, the widow of US President John F. Kennedy, to Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis, because the two signed a prenuptial agreement which stipulated how much time in a given year Mrs. Onassis would have to spend with her husband, her social role, her business role and how their property was to be divided. While it is, of course, inappropriate to view marriage as a business transaction, it is also dangerous to go into a marriage relying on just your romantic aspirations to carry you through without having given any thought to the "deal" being struck.

Who pays the bills? Who does the housework? How many nights a week can the husband go out with co-workers or clients? How will housework be compensated and pocket money be calculated? To many couples in love, such questions are almost blasphemy. They keep their thoughts on these issues to themselves until after they are married, then begin what becomes a never-ending domestic battle, both overt and covert, as they struggle to resolve them. Both sides feel "tricked" and put upon, and the more they fight, the more damage they do to their relationship.

Similarly, the clearer a couple are about their plans for their lives, the better. Does the husband want to go abroad for further study? Does he want them to live with his parents? Does the wife want to quit her job to raise children? Does she even want children? The answers to these questions have far-reaching consequences. You can't simply charge ahead and allow things to spiral out of control.

4. Keep up with one another's lives

Human beings are changeable creatures, especially in this frenetic modern era. A girl who in school seemed so fragile that she might have been shattered by a gust of wind, might well metamorphose into a female powerhouse in the workplace. Similarly, a "big man on campus" might find security working as a lowly cog in the corporate machinery.

For this reason, no matter what worries a couple may have about work or their children, they have to put aside some space for some "quality time" with one another. They need to make a habit of talking to one another, and pay attention to changes in their partner's circumstances or moods. Couples have to work at staying compatible. If they don't, the distance between them may grow so great that they drop out of one another's lives entirely.

With globalization, overseas employment and emigration are becoming facts of life in Taiwan. One consequence of this is that an estimated 100,000-plus Taiwanese married couples are now living in separate households. If these couples are to hold their marriages together in spite of the time and distance separating them, they must be determined to keep up with one another's lives. They need to remain interested in what their partner is doing and thinking, and in what joys and upsets he or she is experiencing. And they must not allow a third person to slip into the space between them.

5. Learn the art of communication

Do you understand your spouse's "code"? Can you read his or her moods? When you come into the room, does your spouse get nervous or angry or look like he or she wants to run away? Many people want to communicate, but lack the skill-the more they try, the more trouble they make. In some cases, they start off trying to be reasonable, then try to prove that their view is correct, and end up in a major argument. It's not that they don't love their partner, but rather that they don't know how to listen or how to express themselves.

Advice on communication abounds-"In the bedroom, there's no right and wrong, only feelings"; "First understand what your partner is feeling, then think about how to change his or her behavior." But what it boils down to is that the interactions between people are strange and subtle. You must learn the art of communication so that your marriage doesn't founder on the rocks of heated arguments, ugly looks and overwrought emotions.

6. First change yourself

When conflicts arise and anger builds, accusations can fly: "You're spoiling our child." "What responsibility have you been taking for our child's education?" In such situations, couples often find themselves playing the blame game, each wanting the other to accept blame, and refusing to examine his or her own behavior.

When marriage counselors are faced with clients talking about a divorce, they urge them to first change themselves-to take a parenting class to learn how to get closer to their kids; to learn something about money management to better manage household spending; to learn how to control their emotions and watch what they say; to take up activities that foster tranquility. . . .

But be aware that efforts to change yourself are made unconditionally. You can't revert to your old ways just because you get annoyed at your spouse for not responding positively to the changes you've made. Remember, you are changing yourself not for your spouse's benefit, but to make a better life for yourself.

7. Don't expect a perfect spouse (there's no such thing)

Is your spouse not passionate or affectionate enough? Not generous or attractive enough? Not your social equal or soulmate? According to marriage counselors, as long as spouses love each other and are sharing the responsibilities of the marriage, the relationship is basically working. They also note that by lowering your expectations of your spouse, you can discover more of the things that make them attractive.

Many people neglect to cherish what they have, instead fantasizing about how much better their next partner will be. This frequently leads to affairs. But once the initial passions have cooled, they discover that they are as uninterested in the person with whom they are having an affair as they are in their spouse. This never-ending quest not only harms others but also wastes your own short life.

Happiness is found in your own heart, not in the arms of others. Once you learn this, a satisfying marriage becomes a possibility.l

p.018

(illustration by Lee Su-ling)