My fourteen year-old son puts sauce on the plate of spaghetti he has just taken from the fridge. He hands it to me and says "Mum, can you heat it up for me, please?"
I look at him while spooning some of the beef and onions and tomato and egg into the lunch box my husband will take to work tomorrow. I then realize that I am in the place I like the least-next to the microwave.
After preparing dinner my legs are aching. Although the ache is not so bad that I can't stand up, I really don't have the energy to serve my son. I have already told him directly and hinted on lots of occasions at the dinner table how I would wait on my grandparents and parents when I was young. Why doesn't this kid get it?
He's very patient. He's still holding out the plate. This time I am determined not to let my resistance be undermined by his cute face. He may look like an angel now, but if we disagree about something he'll turn instantly into an irritating little devil. I quickly decide that I don't want to be "filial" to my own son. I put down the lunch box and give him a warm, but firm, smile saying "No dear, your mum is tired."
"Ah-why are you so tired," he says, having to stand up.
My son comes around the table and puts the plate in the microwave. While waiting for the spaghetti to heat up, he starts to analyze my hair for no reason.
"Oh, no."
"What's up now?" I say.
"Have you dyed your hair recently?" he says.
"I haven't for a long time," I respond.
"Ah, no wonder then," he says, knowingly.
When the spaghetti is ready he returns to his seat, and, as he mixes it, a mouth-watering aroma fills the room. Then he asks me: "Mum, why don't you dye your hair again?"
I have really been too busy recently to get it dyed. However, remembering that my son has been pestering me recently to allow him to have his hair dyed, I say cleverly, "I won't let you dye your hair, so I have to set you an example."
He greets this with a laugh.
"Mum, this is different. The reasons for you and me dyeing our hair are different. Dye it if you want. Don't let me stop you."
Is there a difference? My son's words make me think.
He wants to make a head of black hair lighter, I want to make my white hairs darker. Neither of us faces reality. Actually, my son has never been one for paying attention to his appearance. When he was younger he hated shopping and wouldn't let me wear lipstick. He said that God gave a person their lips and "you can't just go and change them yourself." However, since his move into puberty and peer pressure he has started to pay attention to his appearance. He has started wearing after-shave, anti-perspirant, and even men's perfume. He has challenged me again and again, and each time I have given in. Except that I won't let him dye his hair.
"I don't know why," I say to his persistent questions."I only know that if I allow you to I'll regret it and I will feel as if I've let you down."
His father and I don't usually drink, but we used to have one sometimes if we had guests for dinner. Late one night when my son was six years old, my husband and I decided to drink the two bottles of beer that had been in the fridge after a dinner we had given a while before and, with some supper, we sat by the window enjoying the moonlight. The next day, seeing the empty bottles, my son exclaimed, "You guys are alcoholic? My teacher says alcohol is a drug!"
Public schools in the US teach kids from an early age that alcohol and tobacco are harmful, but what kids learn at school and what they see at home is different. No wonder more and more kids are getting into trouble under the influence of alcohol. For our son's sake, and because we feel that the task of cleaning up society needs to start with the individual, we have never bought alcohol since. We agreed that when both the kids are 21 we will start drinking again and accompany them. They both said to our surprise: "We won't necessarily be interested then!"
Yes, after so many years without a drink it will be very strange.
Refusing a request from your kids is very difficult and requires resolve. The best approach is to "prepare for a rainy day" in advance and set a good example.
Of course, all parents have their own ideas about what this means. When our son was in kindergarten, I visited the mother of one of his friends with whom I was friendly one day when the kids were at school. As I got to the door, I heard deafeningly loud heavy-rock music blasting out. Seeing my bemused expression, she shouted into my ear that she was preparing herself for when her child was older and listened to such music, otherwise she wouldn't be able to stand it when the time came.
Another friend always drinks alcohol with his meals and always dips his chopsticks into his drink and feeds it to his baby child. I don't know if this is meant to train the child to hold his liquor in later life or whether it is intended to create a drinking partner for himself in the future.
Returning to my family, I insist on setting an example so that when I say no, a gentle "No, dear" is enough.
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The best way to bridge the generation gap is to do things with your kids as often as possible.
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It is not easy for a family living abroad to maintain family traditions. The key to success is a pair of determined parents. The family is shown here on a trip to a Chinese restaurant.
It is not easy for a family living abroad to maintain family traditions. The key to success is a pair of determined parents. The family is shown here on a trip to a Chinese restaurant.
