【編者的話】婚姻的誓約

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2002 / 8月

文‧王瑩



港星陳寶蓮終究是拋下這個世界而去了,說她傻也罷、執著也罷、墮落、糊塗,也好,對她已經無所謂了。

自殺那麼多次,如今總算求仁得仁吧!可是外人難解的是,到底是什麼讓她的心那麼痛?那麼空?她嗑藥究竟想忘掉什麼?生命中又究竟想追求什麼?而我們從這個悲劇中,是否領悟了一些什麼?

《與神對話》的作者傳遞「上面」的話提醒人類,上帝創造了這個相對的差別世界,快慢、美醜、賢愚、貧富、好壞、生死,在在有所對立,也因此讓我們有所判斷、有所追求。然而,生命被創造的重點不在於對立和獲得我們所認為的好東西,而是藉由兩相對照,讓我們能更清楚地經驗人生,最重要的永遠不是結果,而是過程,尤其是過程中,人與人之間的相處與對待,父母對子女的愛,夫妻之間的情義,朋友之間的友誼,師長對學生的呵護與教導,晚輩對長輩的依賴、仰慕,人們對弱者的同情……人生中的各種人際關係正是最好的學習,而充足的、無私的愛,也是心靈平和富足的源頭。

可是我們在這個時代,卻常常忘了人生的初衷。我們要的愛常常是別人以我們為優先的自私之愛。這個時代強調的是速食、消費、激情、狂野的愛,可是這真的是我們最裡面的心或靈所想要的嗎?為什麼那麼多人尋尋覓覓,就是找不到填補心靈缺口的那一塊東西?

當一對男女的愛情無法產生信任時,很難立下一生的誓約,而現代婚姻最珍貴的,其實便是二人因愛而自己發願立下相守一生的約定。當你對另一半說,「我願意」的一剎那,應該是有著心理準備,願意同甘共苦一世的。只是為什麼可以自己作主婚姻的現代夫妻,卻越來越無法信守誓言,有的可以同甘不能共苦,有的好不容易攜手共患難,闖下一片天地後,卻竟然無法共享甘美的果實?

離婚率的上升、外遇的頻繁,在在地指出婚姻中的誓約無效,或者大部分的人將之視為一項儀式,只是有口無心地行禮如儀,忘了在我們這個性愛自由的時代,婚姻制度如果還存在,夫妻信守一生的誓約幾乎是唯一的保障,只有當雙方願意做下一生的承諾並且誓死守住這樣的承諾時,婚姻才可能維持,也才可能有家庭的幸福,一個人際關係完整的幸福。

也因此在名人外遇風波天天見報、離婚率不斷上漲的今天,製作了「守著婚姻守著你」這樣一個似乎老式思想的封面專題。因為我們相信,幸福的家庭才是社會安定的根本,希望天下有情有緣又有分成為夫妻的男女都能多思考一會兒,能立下婚姻的誓約是多麼的難得,能共同信守這份誓約又是多麼的幸福。

最後以這期介紹的新書《心靈的密碼》中,詩人吉野弘的〈祝婚歌〉與天下有情人共勉之:

為了兩人和睦相處

最好互相有點兒愚蠢

最好彼此不太俊美

最好早就發覺 太俊美都不持久

最好不求完美 完美不自然

睜一隻眼閉一隻眼

最好兩人中有一位

愛開玩笑最好

有一方能讓一步最好

有事責難對方

最好先懷疑自己是否有資格

有正確的主張 最好能婉轉一點

最好能警覺什麼容易傷害對方

凡事要出眾啦 務必要正確啦

容易陷於過份緊張

所以不必投以特別關注

最好閒閒的、充分的曬曬太陽

讓微風輕輕吹拂 對生命反而依戀

內心充滿感動

兩人這樣的過日子真不錯

默不作聲 心神領會

真是一對好夫妻

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EN

[Editor's Note] Marriage Vows

Anna Wang /tr. by Josh Aguiar


Hong Kong celebrity Pauline Chen has finally given up the world. One could say that she was absurd and compulsive, or that she was confused and degenerate-at any rate, it doesn't make a shred of difference to her anymore.

At this point, after all the suicide attempts, her death seems charitable. But what is difficult to understand is, what exactly was it that pained her so? What made her feel so empty? What exactly was she trying to forget through substance abuse? Whatever did she want out of life anyhow? And, what can we learn from this tragedy?

The author of Conversations with God brings us a reminder from above. God created a world of polar opposites: beauty and ugliness, intelligence and simplemindedness, wealth and poverty, good and evil, life and death. It is the existence of these ubiquitous contrasts that allows us to distinguish and to choose our pursuits. Yet, the point isn't seeking to obtain what we feel to be good things, but rather using the presence of contrast to clarify our life experience. Results are never paramount, but rather the process, especially when it comes to our relations with and the way we treat others: love between parents and children, affection between husband and wife, camaraderie between friends, the care and guidance that teachers give students, the reliance and admiration with which the young regard their elders, sympathy for the weak. . . . These relationships are the best lesson, and selfless love is the source of personal contentment.

Unfortunately, today we often forget life's basic meaning. The kind of love that we seek is selfish love in which others benefit us. Our generation emphasizes fast, convenient, unbridled love and passion, but are these what our hearts and souls really need? Why is it that so many people search high and low, but are still unable to fill in the gaps in their life?

When love between men and women fails to yield trust, it's difficult to make vows that can last a lifetime. The most precious thing in marriage is when two people's mutual love makes them desire to make a lifelong commitment. From the moment they say "I do," they should be ready in their hearts and willing to take the bad along with the good. Why is it, then, that today's couples, free to choose their partners, find it so difficult to honor their vows? Some find it impossible to deal with hardship, and others, even after struggling to make it through a difficult stretch, are somehow unable to enjoy the sweet yields of their struggle.

The rising divorce rate and the increasing frequency of extramarital affairs testify again and again that these vows are losing their potency; either that or most people are just going through the motions, forgetting in the process that these vows are the only form of guarantee we have. Only when people can commit themselves for a lifetime can a marriage be preserved, and a family be blessed.

And so we bring you, "It Ain't Over Till It's Over: Rewriting the Rule Book on Marriage." This may seem old-fashioned in a contemporary world in which the divorce rate continues to skyrocket and the news is filled with reports of the promiscuous lives of celebrities. But because we believe that a happy family is the building block of a stable society, we hope that prospective couples will consider carefully that being able to take marriage vows is very special, and that maintaining them together is a blessing.

As a final note, from this month's "New Book on the Shelf," we would like to share with you a lovely poem by Yoshino Hiroshi on how to keep a happy marriage.

For two people to get along, it's best to be a bit foolish

It's best if people are not too beautiful, and that they realize that beauty doesn't last

It's best not to be a perfectionist, for perfection isn't natural

It's best if one person loves to joke, and one person can compromise

Before blaming others, it's best to reflect upon one's own behavior first

In making a point, it's best to be discreet, no need to harm others

Wanting everything to be just so produces anxiety, so don't overdo it

It's best to take it easy, and relax in the sun and the breeze

In this way, you can love life, and your heart will be filled with love

Life is good this way, and you can understand each other without words

That's what a couple is all about.

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